I feel this insane need to share with you how my day has gone.
I woke up at 6:30am. First thought? DEAR GOD I was supposed to be at my yard sale set up by 6!!
I jump out of bed (in the clothes I fell asleep in last night because I was too lazy to change) and throw on a clean shirt.. good enough yo!
Yell at my son to get out of bed. It's now 6:45am. The coffee is on, behind a sink and counter full of dirty dishes.. and a dirty stove next to that... with a cluttered kitchen surrounding it. Oh boy, mark that on my to-do list...
Somehow I manage to wrangle my 13 year old in one piece (and get him to brush his teeth!) and into the loaded car to my destination with my full to the brim coffee mug (didn't spill too much this time!) just after 7:05am.
K. Good. I can set up and start the yard sale at 8am like I planned.
Just as I'm starting to load to bring down to the actual site some guy who looks like he walked off the set of "Pawn Stars" as one of the people who try to sell them stuff comes barrelling down the driveway. He immediately gets to the point.. he's looking for the antique's and the jewelry I'm selling.. no doubt to just sell it himself (or there's one lucky lady with some of Jossyb's finest coming at them!) I show him my bag of earrings and he ruffles through them.. "How much for the whole bag?" Really? I mean.. my first thought was, "But I haven't even gotten the chance to set them up all pretty and stuff..." That's really why I hesitated. Dude was throwing off my groove. I sold him four things from the pile, for less than I had intended. And this guy was the only customer for another hour and a half.
Yep. I got to set up all my treasures. Things I have grown to love over the years that just needed to be given away.. some stopped by after. I had a whopping sale of $13!! (Don't be jealous) I even had a guy drive up on a bicycle all sweaty and crazy-eyed.. asked me if I smoked... he needed a lighter.. I don't, then he bought my "Footprints" poem wall hanging.. way to surprise me bicycle guy! But then made sure to ask my 13 year old if he smoked.. well, hey, I guess he was just hoping for the best.
At about noon I started packing up because I just didn't want to sit there any longer.. even though the site of my son at the road holding the "Yard Sale" sign dancing along to my Johnny Cash and Patsy Cline music while giving passing cars the thumbs up was pretty amusing, it had to end sometime.
Needless to say, a load that took 3 trips to bring there only took ONE trip home thanks to my puzzle doing genius mind and some bungee cords! Yep.
I got home, made some lunch, ate Ice cream while it cooked, then started dragging everything out of my car into my horrific apartment.
That was 2pm. Over the last 7 hours I've made myself a milkshake. Checked out quick and easy ways to clean your apartment online.. spent a few hours watching some episode's of "The daily show" Then spent some time on Buzzfeed.com.. took a shower! (That was a need 4 days in the making, hey, don't judge me! I'm crazy busy, what with all this sitting around I have to do!)
It's now 9:45pm. My apartment looks worse than when I left it and I don't intend on cleaning it. And I'm not sorry. Not even a little bit.
So good night! Hope you had a better day than me!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
Not Like THEM.
I saw the video everyone was blasting.. well part of it, I couldn't watch the whole thing. It was that horrible. You know, the one with Miley Cyrus, the dancing teddy bears, and that creep Robin Thicke? This whole backlash against Miley Cyrus and her performance on MTV was such a shock to everyone, because this stuff is just so brand new....
Really? Were you REALLY shocked? Please tell me you're kidding.
This world is full of a lot of good things. But its also full of a lot of bad things. And it HAS been for like, years now. But lately those bad things seem to be what gets more of your attention. I mean, hey, I'm sure if I shook my butt in front of men while practically naked I wouldn't be alone every night. But lets be honest here.. do you really think that kind of behavior would make my life any better? For those of you applauding Miley for being herself, do you really think deep down that girl is happy? If you think yes, well then you have no idea what real happiness is. Sorry.
In ten years, that girl will be thirty. That's just about how old I am right now. I'm thirty one. I look back and a lot of the problems I have been working through now began from that age. When I was her age I had men looking at me the way they looked at her. In fact, I even had a guy who only dated me until he got what he wanted, and then broke up with me. He was much older than me too. You know what I think about him now? He was pathetic. He took advantage of a 20-year-old for his own personal needs, and if you ask me he wasn't a man at all. I wish I could have told my 20 year old self just what those kind of guys do to your self image.
I bet I would have loved Miley Cyrus back then. I would have thought "twerking" was sexy, and that dressing like that would get the guys to like me, and the girls to want to be like me. But do you know what that creates? It creates immoral, selfish, self-centered, entitled people who only care about what they want to do, regardless of the damage it causes. And in ten years she's going to regret every bit of it, you can quote me on it, too.
As for me and my thirty one year old life? Yes I'm still single. No I do not go out partying and drinking it up at the clubs and bars. I could, but each time I'm tempted I remind myself of the times I went out with my sisters, sitting on the barstool waiting for them to get all drunk, and dance to the blasting music.. then finally realize they are too drunk to stand up, have to walk them back to the car where they throw up the last five drinks that were "so good I've got to try it" and then sit silently in the car as they lay passed out on my shoulder until we get them home.
Why is that fun for people? Why is drinking and partying fun?? I've heard many excuses. There is never a new one. "It's a great way to let loose" "You can leave the day behind" "It helps you forget the crap from the day"..
I have news for you, what the expectation of a night out at the clubs are and the reality of it is two VERY different things. You see the tv show versions and think it must be awesome.. but when you get to the club it's about 10pm and no ones there because they don't get there until around 11:30.. then it gets so packed you can't even move, then you have to wait in line as a billion people order their drinks from a screaming bartender over music so loud you can't even think. The floors are sticky from God knows what, the people are smelly and sweaty from God knows what, and you are forced to watch girls who are much prettier than you get the attention because their boobs are hanging out.. so forget getting a drink. I say just bring your own because you know there are those creeps who will drug a girl because they are too pathetic to get one without drugging them.
Ew. Good LORD, I just gave myself an anxiety attack!
Am I the only one who thinks that is not fun?? Every time I leave those situations I feel so bad about myself. If I let myself get taken by those kinds of people maybe momentarily I'll be happy, mostly because I'd be drunk, but what happens when the alcohol wears off? I still have to deal with my emotions, or whatever it is I'm trying to forget or get over... and last time I checked that is never accomplished with alcohol. That usually makes the situation worse, not better.
Ho hum, and this is what the world wants more of? And this girl Miley gets to be verbally beaten to death by the people who will kick her when she's down instead of helping her back to her feet.
Oh, Miley. I wish you would listen to the wisdom of woman like Maya Angelou who's said things like, "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her." I wish you were taught that your body belongs to God, until you are married, then it is shared (with your husband)... I wish you would be encouraged by the good person you were, and not embarrassed and have this desire to change your image from it. Do you really have to be this way Miley? Do you hear what they say now? Is this really who you want to be?
Robin Thicke should be ashamed of himself. And so should all the "boys" who enjoyed that performance. She is nothing more than a prostitute to you, selling sex. It's disgusting. I guess they like it because it's the cool thing to do. My life of going to church and serving as a missionary isn't cool or sexy... I'm too goody goody for them... yep, so no attention from them for me.
Good. Thank God. The last thing I want is disgusting boys like that hurting me. I grew up out of my past of allowing the wrong guys around me. Yes I sit at home a lot, no I don't have a date every night. But you know what? I'd rather be home alone then out with the wrong guy who's only intention is to break my heart or use me.
Thank you very much.
And my son will be raised to learn what a real man is, not like those that are paid to be the pigs that they are. No way. He's going to hold doors for ladies, he'll be respectful, and if I catch him acting the way the world says he should I will promptly correct him. He's better than that. And I will never condone that... He will learn how to treat women, and NOT LIKE THEM.
Really? Were you REALLY shocked? Please tell me you're kidding.
This world is full of a lot of good things. But its also full of a lot of bad things. And it HAS been for like, years now. But lately those bad things seem to be what gets more of your attention. I mean, hey, I'm sure if I shook my butt in front of men while practically naked I wouldn't be alone every night. But lets be honest here.. do you really think that kind of behavior would make my life any better? For those of you applauding Miley for being herself, do you really think deep down that girl is happy? If you think yes, well then you have no idea what real happiness is. Sorry.
In ten years, that girl will be thirty. That's just about how old I am right now. I'm thirty one. I look back and a lot of the problems I have been working through now began from that age. When I was her age I had men looking at me the way they looked at her. In fact, I even had a guy who only dated me until he got what he wanted, and then broke up with me. He was much older than me too. You know what I think about him now? He was pathetic. He took advantage of a 20-year-old for his own personal needs, and if you ask me he wasn't a man at all. I wish I could have told my 20 year old self just what those kind of guys do to your self image.
I bet I would have loved Miley Cyrus back then. I would have thought "twerking" was sexy, and that dressing like that would get the guys to like me, and the girls to want to be like me. But do you know what that creates? It creates immoral, selfish, self-centered, entitled people who only care about what they want to do, regardless of the damage it causes. And in ten years she's going to regret every bit of it, you can quote me on it, too.
As for me and my thirty one year old life? Yes I'm still single. No I do not go out partying and drinking it up at the clubs and bars. I could, but each time I'm tempted I remind myself of the times I went out with my sisters, sitting on the barstool waiting for them to get all drunk, and dance to the blasting music.. then finally realize they are too drunk to stand up, have to walk them back to the car where they throw up the last five drinks that were "so good I've got to try it" and then sit silently in the car as they lay passed out on my shoulder until we get them home.
Why is that fun for people? Why is drinking and partying fun?? I've heard many excuses. There is never a new one. "It's a great way to let loose" "You can leave the day behind" "It helps you forget the crap from the day"..
I have news for you, what the expectation of a night out at the clubs are and the reality of it is two VERY different things. You see the tv show versions and think it must be awesome.. but when you get to the club it's about 10pm and no ones there because they don't get there until around 11:30.. then it gets so packed you can't even move, then you have to wait in line as a billion people order their drinks from a screaming bartender over music so loud you can't even think. The floors are sticky from God knows what, the people are smelly and sweaty from God knows what, and you are forced to watch girls who are much prettier than you get the attention because their boobs are hanging out.. so forget getting a drink. I say just bring your own because you know there are those creeps who will drug a girl because they are too pathetic to get one without drugging them.
Ew. Good LORD, I just gave myself an anxiety attack!
Am I the only one who thinks that is not fun?? Every time I leave those situations I feel so bad about myself. If I let myself get taken by those kinds of people maybe momentarily I'll be happy, mostly because I'd be drunk, but what happens when the alcohol wears off? I still have to deal with my emotions, or whatever it is I'm trying to forget or get over... and last time I checked that is never accomplished with alcohol. That usually makes the situation worse, not better.
Ho hum, and this is what the world wants more of? And this girl Miley gets to be verbally beaten to death by the people who will kick her when she's down instead of helping her back to her feet.
Oh, Miley. I wish you would listen to the wisdom of woman like Maya Angelou who's said things like, "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her." I wish you were taught that your body belongs to God, until you are married, then it is shared (with your husband)... I wish you would be encouraged by the good person you were, and not embarrassed and have this desire to change your image from it. Do you really have to be this way Miley? Do you hear what they say now? Is this really who you want to be?
Robin Thicke should be ashamed of himself. And so should all the "boys" who enjoyed that performance. She is nothing more than a prostitute to you, selling sex. It's disgusting. I guess they like it because it's the cool thing to do. My life of going to church and serving as a missionary isn't cool or sexy... I'm too goody goody for them... yep, so no attention from them for me.
Good. Thank God. The last thing I want is disgusting boys like that hurting me. I grew up out of my past of allowing the wrong guys around me. Yes I sit at home a lot, no I don't have a date every night. But you know what? I'd rather be home alone then out with the wrong guy who's only intention is to break my heart or use me.
Thank you very much.
And my son will be raised to learn what a real man is, not like those that are paid to be the pigs that they are. No way. He's going to hold doors for ladies, he'll be respectful, and if I catch him acting the way the world says he should I will promptly correct him. He's better than that. And I will never condone that... He will learn how to treat women, and NOT LIKE THEM.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Long time, no see!
It's been awhile since I've shared my thoughts. Honestly, I had lost all desire to write. Strange for me, I know, because this is what I love. But after the death of a close patient of mine I was just kind of waiting for whatever it was over me to leave. I felt like I had a dark shadow following me. Every time the sky was cloudy and it was raining I seemed to be feeling low and sad. And I was forgetting EVERYTHING. And when I say everything, I mean I was a mental mess! I was forgetting important dates and meetings. I was even forgetting things I'd said days or sometimes even hours after I had said them. One time I said a word that I thought was right and other people said I didn't say that word at all! Oh my gosh, I thought I was going crazy. One of my coworkers gave me a small book on grief and guess what some of the symptoms are??
Mentally some responses you can expect are:
-Lack of concentration
-Confusion/forgetfulness
-Absentmindedness
-Preoccupation
I know that this wasn't a family member, but I took care of this person on a daily basis for over a year. She shared a birthday with me, and I was one of the few people she recognized and let help her. We had a close relationship, I looked at her as my family. She didn't have much of a family. And when she passed they didn't even know what her funeral arrangements were! It was heartbreaking for me. I needed healing. I needed time. That story I wrote after her death brought a lot of healing in itself.
Grief is a hard thing. Those who suffer the loss of a loved one are left behind wondering so many things:
"Why did this have to happen?" "Why am I still here?" "What's the meaning to life? Or is there even meaning at all?"
If you have lost someone you have probably wondered those same things. In my life I've watched family's lose members, and I've lost some of my own. It makes me face my mortality everyday. It's easy to close that side of life off if you don't see it on a daily basis.
Last night a situation presented itself for my son. And I could have been part of it too. People were taking a walk to the park at 11:30. Yeah. I've already been down that road. Something I would have jumped to do when I was a teenager. But I'm 31 years old and I've suddenly realized that I'm surrounded by people who are hell-bent on not growing up. I've been in that place. I stayed out late at night and pushed away my responsibilities. But lately I don't want to do that anymore. I feel like it's my turn for the good things to start happening, ya know? I've had to grow up real fast being a mother at 16. I didn't get to be young, and I got angry about that, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't want that life for myself. Forever young? I don't want to be. I love growing up and maturing. And my son? I don't want him to be a baby forever either! In fact, I've LOVED watching every stage he's gone through!
I work in hospice, and I've learned there's more than one way to die. But there's also more than one way to live. You can live like there's no tomorrow, or you can live like tomorrow will never come. Lately I've been thanking God that yesterday is gone. It's not that I don't have good memories from my past, but I've got so many good things coming that I can't let my past drag me down. I'm looking to the future, and wanting all the good things it has in store. So my biggest job is to get ready for it. Prepare today for tomorrow is my new motto. I've kind of put my work on myself on the back burner, not completely, but I wasn't really as disciplined as I should have been. I have been allowing things back in that I would have never let in when I was taking my life more seriously. That has to change now. I can't live like this. I don't think my patient would have wanted me to.
So it's a new day folks! Yesterday is gone. And I can focus on the good things coming!
If you are having trouble with the loss of a loved one know that you are not alone. There are TONS of resources out there for people just like you. Seek out a friend, family member, co-worker, clergyman, pastor, priest, etc. Go talk to someone. Don't keep it inside! All humans experience death. No one lives forever. But that doesn't make letting someone go any easier- having someone to talk to about it does.
Mentally some responses you can expect are:
-Lack of concentration
-Confusion/forgetfulness
-Absentmindedness
-Preoccupation
I know that this wasn't a family member, but I took care of this person on a daily basis for over a year. She shared a birthday with me, and I was one of the few people she recognized and let help her. We had a close relationship, I looked at her as my family. She didn't have much of a family. And when she passed they didn't even know what her funeral arrangements were! It was heartbreaking for me. I needed healing. I needed time. That story I wrote after her death brought a lot of healing in itself.
Grief is a hard thing. Those who suffer the loss of a loved one are left behind wondering so many things:
"Why did this have to happen?" "Why am I still here?" "What's the meaning to life? Or is there even meaning at all?"
If you have lost someone you have probably wondered those same things. In my life I've watched family's lose members, and I've lost some of my own. It makes me face my mortality everyday. It's easy to close that side of life off if you don't see it on a daily basis.
Last night a situation presented itself for my son. And I could have been part of it too. People were taking a walk to the park at 11:30. Yeah. I've already been down that road. Something I would have jumped to do when I was a teenager. But I'm 31 years old and I've suddenly realized that I'm surrounded by people who are hell-bent on not growing up. I've been in that place. I stayed out late at night and pushed away my responsibilities. But lately I don't want to do that anymore. I feel like it's my turn for the good things to start happening, ya know? I've had to grow up real fast being a mother at 16. I didn't get to be young, and I got angry about that, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't want that life for myself. Forever young? I don't want to be. I love growing up and maturing. And my son? I don't want him to be a baby forever either! In fact, I've LOVED watching every stage he's gone through!
I work in hospice, and I've learned there's more than one way to die. But there's also more than one way to live. You can live like there's no tomorrow, or you can live like tomorrow will never come. Lately I've been thanking God that yesterday is gone. It's not that I don't have good memories from my past, but I've got so many good things coming that I can't let my past drag me down. I'm looking to the future, and wanting all the good things it has in store. So my biggest job is to get ready for it. Prepare today for tomorrow is my new motto. I've kind of put my work on myself on the back burner, not completely, but I wasn't really as disciplined as I should have been. I have been allowing things back in that I would have never let in when I was taking my life more seriously. That has to change now. I can't live like this. I don't think my patient would have wanted me to.
So it's a new day folks! Yesterday is gone. And I can focus on the good things coming!
If you are having trouble with the loss of a loved one know that you are not alone. There are TONS of resources out there for people just like you. Seek out a friend, family member, co-worker, clergyman, pastor, priest, etc. Go talk to someone. Don't keep it inside! All humans experience death. No one lives forever. But that doesn't make letting someone go any easier- having someone to talk to about it does.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Out of Ethan's shadow.
This has been a great summer. I didn't have to shell out a ton of money to a camp for Ethan and worry the whole time if he's getting along with everyone... and I didn't have to worry about transportation for him, or the added expense of food for a teenager..
Luckily I have sources that are such good blessings. Friends who help out and never make me feel guilty about that help. (Thanks Tiffany!!)
Yesterday I went up to Soulfest. It was AWESOME, btw. As I was walking around someone I knew said something to me that kind of hit me.. "I didn't recognize you without your son!" It was a harmless joke. No I'm not mad at them. But it really makes me wonder.. maybe all this time I've been having a hard time getting back to myself because when you're invisible for so long you get used to it. I don't mean I was ignored or anything.. but Ethan was the main priority in my life. My life solely was spent making sure he got what he needed. I worked hard to finally get us into our own apartment, and we've successfully lived on our own for 4 years! Now I've embarked on a new journey to buy a home, and that's kind of opened up a can of worms.. you might say. Once I made the decision to do this I moved forward taking the necessary steps.. contacted my mortgage company, contacted a realtor, started looking at homes.. found a friend I trusted to talk me out of buying money pits (Thanks again Linda!! YOU ROCK).. these things I thought would be enough. They weren't. The only thing I've gotten out of this experience is experience. No house. Sure, I know more than I did yesterday, and I can absolutely have a better grip on things, but I just kind of realized that this stuff is hard.
I've been a single mom for so long now, I have no idea what it's like to have help. Ethan's father has never been in the picture, and any man that came into my life never stayed. So Ethan's been the star of my life. And now doing all this house stuff I realize, holy crap, Ethan's 13. He will be 14 in January, and then in 5 years he will (hopefully) be a high school graduate! This living to raise Ethan is kind of over. I don't need to live like that anymore. Yes I still need to raise him, but it's no longer about constant hovering.. he's at the point where he's learning to be an independent young man.. so where does that leave me? Alone.
So I'm kind of starting over, if you think about it. And I don't really want to think about it. Because that part of my life that I never got a chance to experience.. living for myself.. is proving to be one scary place. I mess up a lot. Out of Ethan's shadow I'm vulnerable to people getting to know ME when we talk, instead of asking about my baby. And even though I have a lot to say, it takes a lot to say it because I'm not used to being me. I'm used to being Ethan's mom. I'm still Ethan's mom.. don't get me wrong, I can go from JossyB to Ethan's mom in 0.2 seconds. But every day I come home from work during the week and Ethan's not here.. he's at his friends house.. so I make myself some dinner.. and I don't know how to cook for one.. so I make too much then eat too much.
Once I get used to the light out of the shadow I'm sure I'll be fine. But until then don't pay any mind to my squinting.. I've really just been in the shadows for far too long.
Luckily I have sources that are such good blessings. Friends who help out and never make me feel guilty about that help. (Thanks Tiffany!!)
Yesterday I went up to Soulfest. It was AWESOME, btw. As I was walking around someone I knew said something to me that kind of hit me.. "I didn't recognize you without your son!" It was a harmless joke. No I'm not mad at them. But it really makes me wonder.. maybe all this time I've been having a hard time getting back to myself because when you're invisible for so long you get used to it. I don't mean I was ignored or anything.. but Ethan was the main priority in my life. My life solely was spent making sure he got what he needed. I worked hard to finally get us into our own apartment, and we've successfully lived on our own for 4 years! Now I've embarked on a new journey to buy a home, and that's kind of opened up a can of worms.. you might say. Once I made the decision to do this I moved forward taking the necessary steps.. contacted my mortgage company, contacted a realtor, started looking at homes.. found a friend I trusted to talk me out of buying money pits (Thanks again Linda!! YOU ROCK).. these things I thought would be enough. They weren't. The only thing I've gotten out of this experience is experience. No house. Sure, I know more than I did yesterday, and I can absolutely have a better grip on things, but I just kind of realized that this stuff is hard.
I've been a single mom for so long now, I have no idea what it's like to have help. Ethan's father has never been in the picture, and any man that came into my life never stayed. So Ethan's been the star of my life. And now doing all this house stuff I realize, holy crap, Ethan's 13. He will be 14 in January, and then in 5 years he will (hopefully) be a high school graduate! This living to raise Ethan is kind of over. I don't need to live like that anymore. Yes I still need to raise him, but it's no longer about constant hovering.. he's at the point where he's learning to be an independent young man.. so where does that leave me? Alone.
So I'm kind of starting over, if you think about it. And I don't really want to think about it. Because that part of my life that I never got a chance to experience.. living for myself.. is proving to be one scary place. I mess up a lot. Out of Ethan's shadow I'm vulnerable to people getting to know ME when we talk, instead of asking about my baby. And even though I have a lot to say, it takes a lot to say it because I'm not used to being me. I'm used to being Ethan's mom. I'm still Ethan's mom.. don't get me wrong, I can go from JossyB to Ethan's mom in 0.2 seconds. But every day I come home from work during the week and Ethan's not here.. he's at his friends house.. so I make myself some dinner.. and I don't know how to cook for one.. so I make too much then eat too much.
Once I get used to the light out of the shadow I'm sure I'll be fine. But until then don't pay any mind to my squinting.. I've really just been in the shadows for far too long.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Good days to feel good about!
I really loved today. I gotta say. I spent the day with my boy and his friend, we went to Odiorne State Park (the first landing place of the first english settlers!!) walking the trails and seeing all the bunkers. It was pretty relaxing. Then I really wanted bubblegum ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so I took them out to get ice cream..
Then we went to Target to buy a movie to watch.. not much I wanted to see so instead I found all three seasons of Avatar: The Last Airbender!!!! OMG!
I spent the first part of my day doing errands and such, so we didn't get out until about 2:30, but I still spent a good part of the day outside in this perfect weather! After I've been feeling so blue, I think that this day really helped me a whole lot. I recognized just how different I felt afterward.. it was like I was a new person. It feels pretty good to be able to say things are looking up again. Or maybe I'm looking up again ;) I was feeling so down in the dumps, ya know?? All it took was getting my butt out of my apartment and into the fresh air. Nature always does that for me. When I'm having a horrible day, or when things get too much for me you'll likely find me hiking mountains or walking the beach.
In a life where I'm surrounded by people so much its nice to just get away and see things from another perspective. It brings my peace of mind back.
It was a good day. Thank you God!
Then we went to Target to buy a movie to watch.. not much I wanted to see so instead I found all three seasons of Avatar: The Last Airbender!!!! OMG!
I spent the first part of my day doing errands and such, so we didn't get out until about 2:30, but I still spent a good part of the day outside in this perfect weather! After I've been feeling so blue, I think that this day really helped me a whole lot. I recognized just how different I felt afterward.. it was like I was a new person. It feels pretty good to be able to say things are looking up again. Or maybe I'm looking up again ;) I was feeling so down in the dumps, ya know?? All it took was getting my butt out of my apartment and into the fresh air. Nature always does that for me. When I'm having a horrible day, or when things get too much for me you'll likely find me hiking mountains or walking the beach.
In a life where I'm surrounded by people so much its nice to just get away and see things from another perspective. It brings my peace of mind back.
It was a good day. Thank you God!
Friday, July 26, 2013
Keeping it together when I'm losing it.
To say I've been a bit forgetful lately would be a bit of an understatement. The truth? I'm am failing miserably at remembering some of the things that I've been trying to remember.
And what do you do when you can't remember? I don't know, cause I can't remember.
I've started keeping lists. I think that's supposed to be helpful, but then when I go to write these helpful lists I can't remember what I need to put on them. I feel like something is causing my mind to just quit on me. It's awfully inconvenient.
Today I started my day with a giant reminder of just how much I'm losing it. I put all my things on the bench next to the door before I leave for work. I check to make sure I have my bag, my wallet, my bible (I always like to keep that on me), a notebook (I'm always writing thoughts down throughout the day), my water bottle, my phones, and lastly my keys. My keys are pretty easy, I keep them on a hook next to the door. As I walked out the door I had everything (or so I thought) so I grabbed my bag and headed out the door. Just as the door closed I realized I had not grabbed my keys. Mmmhhmmm. Yep, I locked my keys in my apartment. What a crappy start to an already crappy day. I didn't want to get out of bed, I have been having a hard time dealing with the death of one of my favorite patients and I just wanted this week to be over. I tried the back door, no luck. So luckily I had my phone. I called my apartment owners.. the office didn't open until 8:30.. great, it's only 7:45 and I really wanted to start my day at my office. UGH. So I tried walking to a neighbors apartment and nobody answered. OK. So I went and sat in my car. I emailed my office to let them know about my situation. Luckily my caseload wasn't a big one so it wasn't a huge impact. I sat in my car waiting for a phonecall back. I left messages, I TRIED to call the emergency number, but that wasn't working...
I lost all 5 lives on Candy Crush. Then played Temple Run.. I was freezing so I got a blanket and bunkered down. 8:30 finally came so I called the office. No answer. I think I called them every 2 minutes and left a message for anyone who could help. No call-backs. Oh dear LORD. By about 9:00 I was fuming. I was talking with a friend and prayed to God that SOMETHING would work out. I got out of my car and decided to try and find the property manager... by now my neighbor was up and I was able to talk to her to find out where he lived.. I knocked on his door, no answer. My other neighbor had a ladder.. okay, I'd try to break in. I knocked on his door... no answer.
I just love when I'm in need and that happens. NO ANSWER. So I went back to my car and tried the office again.. it was 9:15. FINALLY they answered (it was the woman I'd left a message for and yeah, she never called me back). She was able to contact the property manager and 10 minutes later I was back in my apartment.
As the day went by I was just feeling so frustrated. This is my life lately. I try and try to get an answer, someone to listen to me, help me.. and yet I'm stuck feeling locked out of my apartment with no one to help. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 31. And if you've been following my blog you'd know that it's been a hard one for me. Losing that patient has really taken its toll on my heart and I just didn't feel up to celebrating. People wanted to celebrate it.. but I just can't. At the end of my day I was at a patient's house and was processing all the frustrations of the day.. getting locked out, having personal issues with close family... as I was finishing up I had this thought. I just can't let the bad things make me feel bad. Because they are. And so, when things with the current patient worked out I kept saying VICTORY!! It was funny. The patient's wife laughed at my taking victory over such little things, but I think she gets it. I think anyone who feels like they've been having one disappointment after another just needs to start celebrating even the smallest victories.
As I was leaving it was raining.. I had left my car window open, and instead of feeling frustrated I said, "No, I'm not going to let bad things make me feel bad." Lol.
So I'm forgetful. I can't always remember everything, right? I remember my name, and how to drive, and who I love... I remember lots of things. I'll just have to take small victories in the small things for now, because with the amount of crap I have to remember on a daily basis I'm bound to forget something, and I'm grateful its not something big like the fact that God loves me, and He has a MUCH better memory than I do, so if I ever forget that I know He'll remind me.
And what do you do when you can't remember? I don't know, cause I can't remember.
I've started keeping lists. I think that's supposed to be helpful, but then when I go to write these helpful lists I can't remember what I need to put on them. I feel like something is causing my mind to just quit on me. It's awfully inconvenient.
Today I started my day with a giant reminder of just how much I'm losing it. I put all my things on the bench next to the door before I leave for work. I check to make sure I have my bag, my wallet, my bible (I always like to keep that on me), a notebook (I'm always writing thoughts down throughout the day), my water bottle, my phones, and lastly my keys. My keys are pretty easy, I keep them on a hook next to the door. As I walked out the door I had everything (or so I thought) so I grabbed my bag and headed out the door. Just as the door closed I realized I had not grabbed my keys. Mmmhhmmm. Yep, I locked my keys in my apartment. What a crappy start to an already crappy day. I didn't want to get out of bed, I have been having a hard time dealing with the death of one of my favorite patients and I just wanted this week to be over. I tried the back door, no luck. So luckily I had my phone. I called my apartment owners.. the office didn't open until 8:30.. great, it's only 7:45 and I really wanted to start my day at my office. UGH. So I tried walking to a neighbors apartment and nobody answered. OK. So I went and sat in my car. I emailed my office to let them know about my situation. Luckily my caseload wasn't a big one so it wasn't a huge impact. I sat in my car waiting for a phonecall back. I left messages, I TRIED to call the emergency number, but that wasn't working...
I lost all 5 lives on Candy Crush. Then played Temple Run.. I was freezing so I got a blanket and bunkered down. 8:30 finally came so I called the office. No answer. I think I called them every 2 minutes and left a message for anyone who could help. No call-backs. Oh dear LORD. By about 9:00 I was fuming. I was talking with a friend and prayed to God that SOMETHING would work out. I got out of my car and decided to try and find the property manager... by now my neighbor was up and I was able to talk to her to find out where he lived.. I knocked on his door, no answer. My other neighbor had a ladder.. okay, I'd try to break in. I knocked on his door... no answer.
I just love when I'm in need and that happens. NO ANSWER. So I went back to my car and tried the office again.. it was 9:15. FINALLY they answered (it was the woman I'd left a message for and yeah, she never called me back). She was able to contact the property manager and 10 minutes later I was back in my apartment.
As the day went by I was just feeling so frustrated. This is my life lately. I try and try to get an answer, someone to listen to me, help me.. and yet I'm stuck feeling locked out of my apartment with no one to help. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 31. And if you've been following my blog you'd know that it's been a hard one for me. Losing that patient has really taken its toll on my heart and I just didn't feel up to celebrating. People wanted to celebrate it.. but I just can't. At the end of my day I was at a patient's house and was processing all the frustrations of the day.. getting locked out, having personal issues with close family... as I was finishing up I had this thought. I just can't let the bad things make me feel bad. Because they are. And so, when things with the current patient worked out I kept saying VICTORY!! It was funny. The patient's wife laughed at my taking victory over such little things, but I think she gets it. I think anyone who feels like they've been having one disappointment after another just needs to start celebrating even the smallest victories.
As I was leaving it was raining.. I had left my car window open, and instead of feeling frustrated I said, "No, I'm not going to let bad things make me feel bad." Lol.
So I'm forgetful. I can't always remember everything, right? I remember my name, and how to drive, and who I love... I remember lots of things. I'll just have to take small victories in the small things for now, because with the amount of crap I have to remember on a daily basis I'm bound to forget something, and I'm grateful its not something big like the fact that God loves me, and He has a MUCH better memory than I do, so if I ever forget that I know He'll remind me.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Me and my friend, we're TREES.
Yesterday as I sat at my computer I was thinking about a friend I had recently lost. She was one of many patients I've had, only she was special because we shared the same birthday. This birthday is bittersweet for me... she passed away last week. Tomorrow will be sad, but I'm actually glad for her. She was very sick, and ready to go. I wrote a story for her, this is how I'm grieving her loss and I'd like to share it with you.
You could take a long time watching trees and wouldn't be wasting time. You’re watching them grow. I am a tree watcher. I like to see them sprout from the ground, I like to see their leaves emerge in the spring and to slowly change into the beautiful canvas colors of the fall.
I love trees. They seem to have silent stories that you can only hear if you are patient enough to listen. On one not so special day I heard a story that I never forgot. It was about a tree with deep roots. This tree had stood through many storms, had seen many wars, and shaded many families. But this tree was not just a tree. She was a person that had once been a tree.
Everyone always thought of me as strange. When I would play outside for hours watching the clouds and trees they figured I didn't have much going on inside my mind. But in my mind those clouds and trees were more than just imagery that passed by. As I grew up that way of thinking never left me. I was always full of stories of why a tree was bending side-ways instead of growing straight up, you know, because he was bowing to the Tree King as He passed by, and his back gave out, so he was never able to stand straight again. This was strange to people, but I thought it was perfectly normal, they were the strange ones. I would often wonder, why do they work so hard? Why are they never outside? Could they not see the trees? Did they not know about the stories they told?
The woman that had once been a tree told me her story once. And when she finally died I knew she would once again become a tree. We were all once trees. That’s what she said. When a baby is born he is born of a tree that has given its seed to the ground, but instead of the seed falling to the ground the Tree King places that seed into a person. That seed becomes a baby and lives its life as a human (this explains why we are so enchanted with trees), then when the human grows old and they die their body is put back into the ground so they can finally become the tree they were meant to be.
All seeds come from one tree that the Tree King guards. He planted the First tree and from that tree He made them all.
When she told me this story I knew it must be true because it just seemed so logical.
Her story began in a small forest outside of a small town. Her parents had already been chosen, and she was already planted, they were just waiting on her arrival. She was born into a small farm home, on land that held many Apple trees. I was worried when she told me this, after all, if all trees where from tree seeds then what about those Apple trees?? She told me that the fruit of the trees were given as gifts to the people to remind them of where they come from, and that the fruit helped the people remember just how much they were loved by the Tree King. Every time I eat an apple I always remember this.
She told me after she had grown up life as a human was much harder than she liked. Instead of being allowed to play in the trees she had loved so dearly she was forced to work inside buildings cleaning houses and cooking. It was a hard life for her, but she knew that life would not last forever, so she stayed strong remembering that when she once again was in the ground she would finally become what she was always meant to be. An Apple tree.
She told me bits and pieces of what it was like working in homes that were not her own. She did get married and had a baby of her own, but they both became trees again sooner than she was able. It broke her heart to know that she would have to stay a person for much longer than they.
She remembered the day they were both sown in the ground. She remembers how sad she was that she would not be able to join them. That was the day she first met the Tree King. Not many people can say they've met Him. Mostly because He only visits those that belong to Him. There are those that He plants that choose to not become trees afterward, instead they become rocks in the ground, never getting to feel the air flow through their leaves or branches, and never getting to see the world from so high in the air. What a sad fate. But a fate, nonetheless. My tree friend told me that all people get to choose their fate, and whether they choose rock or tree it’s a choice. But The Tree King does not visit nor tend to the rocks. He only tends the trees. He was there with her that day. He held her hand as she watched her husband and son being sown into the ground.
She told me she even got to speak to Him.
“Why did they get to go so soon and I have to wait?” She had asked.
“Because you are meant for more days, my dear tree friend.” He replied.
It was sad for her, she couldn't truly understand it, but because there was nothing she could do about it she accepted the days ahead of her and continued on. The years following this had been hard ones for her. She struggled knowing her days had to continue. She longed for the days when she would finally be free to be a tree once more and feel the air in her leaves for the first time. She said she had remarried, but the man whom she married did not belong to the Tree King and treated her very badly. She stayed with him for a short time, telling him about the Tree King and the wonders of being a tree, but he refused to believe it. He was destined to be a rock. So she packed her things and left him to his rock fate. All this time that had passed had left her very angry. Why did she have to suffer such painful things? Couldn’t the Tree King step in and make her life better? But she said it wouldn't have mattered, she didn't long for better days as a person. She longed for her life afterward as a tree.
Many years had passed. She told her story of the day she would once again become a tree to anyone who would listen, but not many people did.
She found herself in an old folk’s home at the end of a long hallway at the end of a very long life. That’s when I met her. As we would walk she would tell me her stories and, me being a future tree and all, I listened. I had never realized that I could be a tree until I met her. Her stories were like a shovel filling in the holes that had been dug in my mind. Things were making sense again to me. I told her that she had helped me. Growing up had been hard on me. I couldn't spend as much time with the trees and it made me sad.
She understood this because she too missed watching the trees.
I remember the last day she was alive as a person. She and I had shared the same birthday, and I had been looking forward to seeing another year go by with her, only as she grew weaker I knew I’d have to meet our birthday alone. I sat with her, holding her frail hand, telling her that it was okay. I didn't want to keep her from becoming a tree, because I knew how much she longed for it. I told her to close her eyes and think of the wind rustling in her branches. She fell asleep, and I left.
That night I got the call that she had passed. I was so very happy for her, she would finally join her husband and her son and become what she had been waiting so long to become. An Apple tree.
At her sowing I watched as they lowered her body into the ground to be planted. And that’s when I met The Tree King. He stood by and held my hand. I had questions for Him too.
“Why did she have to wait so long?” I asked.
And He said, “Because I wanted her to tell you about me. Otherwise, we would never have met.”
“Will there be those I need to tell about you?” I asked.
He smiled and replied, “There will always be those that need to be told. So tell them the story, and they will see me when you are planted, and I will tell them the same.”
So here I am, telling the story. For those who choose to believe it there is a Tree King waiting to meet you. And when you are finally planted I will be waiting with my tree friend and her family, and all those who have chosen to be a tree.
Next time you are outside watch a tree. It may just have a story to tell you.
You could take a long time watching trees and wouldn't be wasting time. You’re watching them grow. I am a tree watcher. I like to see them sprout from the ground, I like to see their leaves emerge in the spring and to slowly change into the beautiful canvas colors of the fall.
I love trees. They seem to have silent stories that you can only hear if you are patient enough to listen. On one not so special day I heard a story that I never forgot. It was about a tree with deep roots. This tree had stood through many storms, had seen many wars, and shaded many families. But this tree was not just a tree. She was a person that had once been a tree.
Everyone always thought of me as strange. When I would play outside for hours watching the clouds and trees they figured I didn't have much going on inside my mind. But in my mind those clouds and trees were more than just imagery that passed by. As I grew up that way of thinking never left me. I was always full of stories of why a tree was bending side-ways instead of growing straight up, you know, because he was bowing to the Tree King as He passed by, and his back gave out, so he was never able to stand straight again. This was strange to people, but I thought it was perfectly normal, they were the strange ones. I would often wonder, why do they work so hard? Why are they never outside? Could they not see the trees? Did they not know about the stories they told?
The woman that had once been a tree told me her story once. And when she finally died I knew she would once again become a tree. We were all once trees. That’s what she said. When a baby is born he is born of a tree that has given its seed to the ground, but instead of the seed falling to the ground the Tree King places that seed into a person. That seed becomes a baby and lives its life as a human (this explains why we are so enchanted with trees), then when the human grows old and they die their body is put back into the ground so they can finally become the tree they were meant to be.
All seeds come from one tree that the Tree King guards. He planted the First tree and from that tree He made them all.
When she told me this story I knew it must be true because it just seemed so logical.
Her story began in a small forest outside of a small town. Her parents had already been chosen, and she was already planted, they were just waiting on her arrival. She was born into a small farm home, on land that held many Apple trees. I was worried when she told me this, after all, if all trees where from tree seeds then what about those Apple trees?? She told me that the fruit of the trees were given as gifts to the people to remind them of where they come from, and that the fruit helped the people remember just how much they were loved by the Tree King. Every time I eat an apple I always remember this.
She told me after she had grown up life as a human was much harder than she liked. Instead of being allowed to play in the trees she had loved so dearly she was forced to work inside buildings cleaning houses and cooking. It was a hard life for her, but she knew that life would not last forever, so she stayed strong remembering that when she once again was in the ground she would finally become what she was always meant to be. An Apple tree.
She told me bits and pieces of what it was like working in homes that were not her own. She did get married and had a baby of her own, but they both became trees again sooner than she was able. It broke her heart to know that she would have to stay a person for much longer than they.
She remembered the day they were both sown in the ground. She remembers how sad she was that she would not be able to join them. That was the day she first met the Tree King. Not many people can say they've met Him. Mostly because He only visits those that belong to Him. There are those that He plants that choose to not become trees afterward, instead they become rocks in the ground, never getting to feel the air flow through their leaves or branches, and never getting to see the world from so high in the air. What a sad fate. But a fate, nonetheless. My tree friend told me that all people get to choose their fate, and whether they choose rock or tree it’s a choice. But The Tree King does not visit nor tend to the rocks. He only tends the trees. He was there with her that day. He held her hand as she watched her husband and son being sown into the ground.
She told me she even got to speak to Him.
“Why did they get to go so soon and I have to wait?” She had asked.
“Because you are meant for more days, my dear tree friend.” He replied.
It was sad for her, she couldn't truly understand it, but because there was nothing she could do about it she accepted the days ahead of her and continued on. The years following this had been hard ones for her. She struggled knowing her days had to continue. She longed for the days when she would finally be free to be a tree once more and feel the air in her leaves for the first time. She said she had remarried, but the man whom she married did not belong to the Tree King and treated her very badly. She stayed with him for a short time, telling him about the Tree King and the wonders of being a tree, but he refused to believe it. He was destined to be a rock. So she packed her things and left him to his rock fate. All this time that had passed had left her very angry. Why did she have to suffer such painful things? Couldn’t the Tree King step in and make her life better? But she said it wouldn't have mattered, she didn't long for better days as a person. She longed for her life afterward as a tree.
Many years had passed. She told her story of the day she would once again become a tree to anyone who would listen, but not many people did.
She found herself in an old folk’s home at the end of a long hallway at the end of a very long life. That’s when I met her. As we would walk she would tell me her stories and, me being a future tree and all, I listened. I had never realized that I could be a tree until I met her. Her stories were like a shovel filling in the holes that had been dug in my mind. Things were making sense again to me. I told her that she had helped me. Growing up had been hard on me. I couldn't spend as much time with the trees and it made me sad.
She understood this because she too missed watching the trees.
I remember the last day she was alive as a person. She and I had shared the same birthday, and I had been looking forward to seeing another year go by with her, only as she grew weaker I knew I’d have to meet our birthday alone. I sat with her, holding her frail hand, telling her that it was okay. I didn't want to keep her from becoming a tree, because I knew how much she longed for it. I told her to close her eyes and think of the wind rustling in her branches. She fell asleep, and I left.
That night I got the call that she had passed. I was so very happy for her, she would finally join her husband and her son and become what she had been waiting so long to become. An Apple tree.
At her sowing I watched as they lowered her body into the ground to be planted. And that’s when I met The Tree King. He stood by and held my hand. I had questions for Him too.
“Why did she have to wait so long?” I asked.
And He said, “Because I wanted her to tell you about me. Otherwise, we would never have met.”
“Will there be those I need to tell about you?” I asked.
He smiled and replied, “There will always be those that need to be told. So tell them the story, and they will see me when you are planted, and I will tell them the same.”
So here I am, telling the story. For those who choose to believe it there is a Tree King waiting to meet you. And when you are finally planted I will be waiting with my tree friend and her family, and all those who have chosen to be a tree.
Next time you are outside watch a tree. It may just have a story to tell you.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Rainy days blog.
I have a short schedule today. I'm pretty grateful too because I was in need of a small day. My head just didn't want to leave my pillow this morning...
I just love rainy days. No I really do. I think I'd enjoy it better with a screened in front porch, a rocking chair, and a cup of hot coffee right now, but since I only have 1 out of those 3 things I'll just have to make due.
This got me thinking about something that's been on my mind a lot these last few days... why am I so obsessed with having so much so soon? Sure I want nice things, but if I really thought about it those are things you work your whole life for! So I've changed my mentality a bit. I've decided to stop trying to get everything I want now, and start to work on what I'd like my future to look like. I recently picked up a book called "The 7 habits of highly effective people." and what I hope to get from it is habits and ethics I can ingrain into myself now so that when I'm old and grey I'm not scrambling to pay the bills. No offense America, but I'd rather not leave my elderly fate to Social Security. I've seen just how fabulously they take care of the older community, and I'm just saying... NO THANKS.
So I will be 31 on Thursday. I'd decided to make a plan.. I'm going to get myself out of this apartment and into a house. And in the 30 years it takes to pay off that mortgage I will be working hard to build not only a nice nest egg, but also something I can leave to my son.
I don't need flat screen tv's or any other expensive device's. They are just time waster's anyway. What I do need is a foundation under my feet, and roots in the ground. Those should come first! The rest should follow.. but that foundation is my number 1 priority right now! So there's my plan. And as I go along I'll let you know how it's working out! So far I know what I need to do right now.. and that's build a functional baseline.. I have the tools to do so, I know what needs to be done, it's just getting into the habit of doing it that has been the problem.. hence the book...
So my hope is that by this time next year I will be settled into a new home, Ethan will be settled into a new school, and I will be a highly effective-good-habit machine!
I could never do all this or think this way on my own.. I guess God wants me to pull it together, so the position I was talking about in my other blog has been filled.. by Jesus... lol.
Ok Jesus.. let's do this!
I just love rainy days. No I really do. I think I'd enjoy it better with a screened in front porch, a rocking chair, and a cup of hot coffee right now, but since I only have 1 out of those 3 things I'll just have to make due.
This got me thinking about something that's been on my mind a lot these last few days... why am I so obsessed with having so much so soon? Sure I want nice things, but if I really thought about it those are things you work your whole life for! So I've changed my mentality a bit. I've decided to stop trying to get everything I want now, and start to work on what I'd like my future to look like. I recently picked up a book called "The 7 habits of highly effective people." and what I hope to get from it is habits and ethics I can ingrain into myself now so that when I'm old and grey I'm not scrambling to pay the bills. No offense America, but I'd rather not leave my elderly fate to Social Security. I've seen just how fabulously they take care of the older community, and I'm just saying... NO THANKS.
So I will be 31 on Thursday. I'd decided to make a plan.. I'm going to get myself out of this apartment and into a house. And in the 30 years it takes to pay off that mortgage I will be working hard to build not only a nice nest egg, but also something I can leave to my son.
I don't need flat screen tv's or any other expensive device's. They are just time waster's anyway. What I do need is a foundation under my feet, and roots in the ground. Those should come first! The rest should follow.. but that foundation is my number 1 priority right now! So there's my plan. And as I go along I'll let you know how it's working out! So far I know what I need to do right now.. and that's build a functional baseline.. I have the tools to do so, I know what needs to be done, it's just getting into the habit of doing it that has been the problem.. hence the book...
So my hope is that by this time next year I will be settled into a new home, Ethan will be settled into a new school, and I will be a highly effective-good-habit machine!
I could never do all this or think this way on my own.. I guess God wants me to pull it together, so the position I was talking about in my other blog has been filled.. by Jesus... lol.
Ok Jesus.. let's do this!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Well THIS is embarrassing...
So I have a confession to make.. I am a drama queen. Yeah.. last night's blog was horribly over-dramatic. I can only say that my emotional rants can be compared to a drunk person. I remember last night, but I'm totally regretting it the next day. I don't have the hangovers, cause I'm not drunk, but still... it seems just as bad.
I'm so embarrassed about how dramatic I can be sometimes.. I just think maybe I need someone to reel me in, slap me and say, "Get ahold of yourself, woman!!" Yeah. So that position is open if anyone is interested.. **wink**
I'm also horribly uneducated with the experience of buying a home. No one can fully prepare you for just how scary it is. It has be to experienced along the way. I did fall in love with the last home, but like most things in my life I've learned to turn it over to God for His approval. Plus, I didn't like the selling agent.. she was kind of a... uh.. not nice person. SEE??? i DIDN'T SWEAR!! Score 1 for JossyB!!!
Anywho.. that's where you find me today. Getting over the loss of a potential home, and finding out about lots of neat words like escrow and down-payment and closing costs.. oh my! Turns out you need a good chunk of money saved up to buy a home easily.. but I'm going to do it the hard way.. so goes the story with the rest of my life. Unless someone wants to gift me $10,000?
I'm so embarrassed about how dramatic I can be sometimes.. I just think maybe I need someone to reel me in, slap me and say, "Get ahold of yourself, woman!!" Yeah. So that position is open if anyone is interested.. **wink**
I'm also horribly uneducated with the experience of buying a home. No one can fully prepare you for just how scary it is. It has be to experienced along the way. I did fall in love with the last home, but like most things in my life I've learned to turn it over to God for His approval. Plus, I didn't like the selling agent.. she was kind of a... uh.. not nice person. SEE??? i DIDN'T SWEAR!! Score 1 for JossyB!!!
Anywho.. that's where you find me today. Getting over the loss of a potential home, and finding out about lots of neat words like escrow and down-payment and closing costs.. oh my! Turns out you need a good chunk of money saved up to buy a home easily.. but I'm going to do it the hard way.. so goes the story with the rest of my life. Unless someone wants to gift me $10,000?
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Stress sleep is not the best sleep...
I'm going to bed after a night full of reminders of just why my awesome life is so stress-filled. I am just one bad backache away from being in the hole financially.. ugh. I'm so mad at myself. But seriously, I only went to the doctor because something didn't feel right.. my back STILL hurts.. but now I'm getting the bills and regretting it. It's pretty sad that I regret going to the doctor because I can't pay the bill.
Ugh. I used to have great insurance. I used to have a lot of good things.. but lately I just feel like my life is in a vice grip and I'm slowly being squeezed to death. It's unfortunate that I have to eat and buy gas... and it's even worse that I have to pay for electricity. I'm considering selling all my stuff and living in someone's basement for a year just so I can get some debt paid off and money saved up! UGH.
Stupid money. It's STUPID. I wish I could pay my bills with cupcakes and sandwiches.. I can do those! But money??? I just don't have enough of that.
Ugh. I used to have great insurance. I used to have a lot of good things.. but lately I just feel like my life is in a vice grip and I'm slowly being squeezed to death. It's unfortunate that I have to eat and buy gas... and it's even worse that I have to pay for electricity. I'm considering selling all my stuff and living in someone's basement for a year just so I can get some debt paid off and money saved up! UGH.
Stupid money. It's STUPID. I wish I could pay my bills with cupcakes and sandwiches.. I can do those! But money??? I just don't have enough of that.
Organizing fail.
There's a small problem with me needing to organize my apartment.. once I start I can't help but work on the smallest detail. So cleaning to me is very complicated. I cannot simply clean, I have never been capable of that. Instead, when I begin the task at hand I then recognize every fault and imperfection.. every out of place object, every weakly organized item. I start cleaning and suddenly every problem starts screaming at me.
I started cleaning last night. That became me taking down pictures, candles and such that need to be packed away.. I got tired and went to bed. As I drove home from church I started thinking about everything I need to get done. I planned to get so much done!!
What have I accomplished in the 4 hours that I've been home? Well, I've fixed my printer. Uh.. I finished my thank you letter... I made an iced coffee slushie...I've written a blog for my It's me.. jossyb blog...
Ok, I admit it, I am a master at putting things off. I've done more non-essential things than what I'm supposed to be doing. So here's the thing.. its another bad habit I have to break!! I need to stop being a procrastinator! Tomorrow. ahaha. Sorry, I thought that was funny. Can't wait til tomorrow, I guess it'll have to happen today. Because what is today but yesterday's tomorrow? So if you need me I'll be working to remove yet another bad habit!
So far that's #3! No more swearing, going to bed on time, and stop wasting time! Geez, if I actually do this I'm going to be one pulled together lady!!!
I started cleaning last night. That became me taking down pictures, candles and such that need to be packed away.. I got tired and went to bed. As I drove home from church I started thinking about everything I need to get done. I planned to get so much done!!
What have I accomplished in the 4 hours that I've been home? Well, I've fixed my printer. Uh.. I finished my thank you letter... I made an iced coffee slushie...I've written a blog for my It's me.. jossyb blog...
Ok, I admit it, I am a master at putting things off. I've done more non-essential things than what I'm supposed to be doing. So here's the thing.. its another bad habit I have to break!! I need to stop being a procrastinator! Tomorrow. ahaha. Sorry, I thought that was funny. Can't wait til tomorrow, I guess it'll have to happen today. Because what is today but yesterday's tomorrow? So if you need me I'll be working to remove yet another bad habit!
So far that's #3! No more swearing, going to bed on time, and stop wasting time! Geez, if I actually do this I'm going to be one pulled together lady!!!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Ohhhh the humanity!
Today I had the opportunity to fall in love. And when I say I'm in love, I say it broke my heart driving away.. from what you ask? Well, it's house No. 5. I have been house-hunting for a little over 3 weeks now. I've seen about 9 houses so far. The first 4 were a nightmare. They had basements that would make you feel like you were in the movie "The Blair Witch Project" and in neighborhoods that would make you feel like you'd have to lock your windows, doors and get an armed guard.
What a crazy ride this has been for me. I've been praying for more lately. More good things, more blessings.. you know, MORE! There's a few scripture verses that I've been clinging to these last few days..
"Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full--pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back." Luke 6:38
"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11I was told that we should remind God of His promises, not for His sake, cause obviously He already knows them, but for our own. So as I'm going through this experience of buying a home I am constantly reminding God of His promises for me. And dear Father in Heaven.. I can't help but feel hopeful.
Today filled me with hope. And I just want to have all of what God has for me!!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
I'm going to throw MYSELF a party.
My birthday is one week from today. Yeah, I'm getting to the age where every time I think about how old I am I almost don't want to think about it.
I think by this age most people are married, have their college diploma in whatever career they are currently a year or so into.. They've had their fun. They got to do the young thing...But me? That wasn't really something I had time for. I was busy raising a baby. I got pregnant at 16 and had to quit school.. we won't say why... no you know what? You should know! I didn't finish school because I was told I'd have to hire a tutor and get myself through, and since I was 16 and didn't have any money, well that wasn't going to happen. So I quit and got my GED. Everyone's always saying it's the same thing, but let me point out why it's NOT.
A. I didn't get to go to my prom
B. I didn't get to graduate with my classmates
C. I didn't get to go on the Senior trip
D. I have to go back to school if I ever want to go to college because of missing credits.
And E. It's not the same because it's not the same.
It was pretty horrible watching my friends graduate without me. A memory that has been stolen from me, if you ask my opinion. And its still a sore subject. But what can I do about it now? Nothing. So move on.
I'm going to be 31 next week. I will be 31 with a 13 year old. And just what have I accomplished? If you go by the worlds standards then not much. I have had the same job for almost 8 years, but that's really only one small accomplishment according to the world.
But to me? This age feels like a badge of honor. I've survived some pretty stormy seas, and now I can look back and say with confidence that I have accomplished a lot. I'm able to live on my own.. I'm still a little bit weak kneed about it, but heck, nowadays who isn't?? I love my job, I love my friends and family, I love my church, I love that I have a car and the freedom to drive where I need to go. I love a lot about my life. Sure there are things I wish I could change, but for the most part I'm pretty happy with what I have, and feeling that way at 31? I think that's an accomplishment.
I never got a party for my 30th. I was pretty excited about turning 30, and no one recognized it by throwing me a party and buying me cake. It's ok. I'll forgive you all. But you should know, I'm throwing MYSELF a party, and you're not invited. ;)
I think by this age most people are married, have their college diploma in whatever career they are currently a year or so into.. They've had their fun. They got to do the young thing...But me? That wasn't really something I had time for. I was busy raising a baby. I got pregnant at 16 and had to quit school.. we won't say why... no you know what? You should know! I didn't finish school because I was told I'd have to hire a tutor and get myself through, and since I was 16 and didn't have any money, well that wasn't going to happen. So I quit and got my GED. Everyone's always saying it's the same thing, but let me point out why it's NOT.
A. I didn't get to go to my prom
B. I didn't get to graduate with my classmates
C. I didn't get to go on the Senior trip
D. I have to go back to school if I ever want to go to college because of missing credits.
And E. It's not the same because it's not the same.
It was pretty horrible watching my friends graduate without me. A memory that has been stolen from me, if you ask my opinion. And its still a sore subject. But what can I do about it now? Nothing. So move on.
I'm going to be 31 next week. I will be 31 with a 13 year old. And just what have I accomplished? If you go by the worlds standards then not much. I have had the same job for almost 8 years, but that's really only one small accomplishment according to the world.
But to me? This age feels like a badge of honor. I've survived some pretty stormy seas, and now I can look back and say with confidence that I have accomplished a lot. I'm able to live on my own.. I'm still a little bit weak kneed about it, but heck, nowadays who isn't?? I love my job, I love my friends and family, I love my church, I love that I have a car and the freedom to drive where I need to go. I love a lot about my life. Sure there are things I wish I could change, but for the most part I'm pretty happy with what I have, and feeling that way at 31? I think that's an accomplishment.
I never got a party for my 30th. I was pretty excited about turning 30, and no one recognized it by throwing me a party and buying me cake. It's ok. I'll forgive you all. But you should know, I'm throwing MYSELF a party, and you're not invited. ;)
Clean clothes
Oh my gosh! I'm feeling pretty rich right now!! Why? Well because all my clothes are clean!! And that's all due to my wonderful friend Linda! She's one of those "been there, done that" ladies and if she's taught me anything it's that people who help out merely just to help do exist!
I just did three loads of laundry at her house and was there until 11pm and she didn't even bat an eye! God bless you, Linda!
I can't wait for the day when I can return the favor.., ya hear that Linda?? If one day you need to come do laundry at MY house until 11 at night you bet your butt I'll be there for you!
I love doing laundry! It's like going shopping except without spending money. ;) The best part is that I usually forget what I own, so when I finally finish I see the things I haven't been able to wear and throw a parade in my room in honor of my clean clothes!
It's an exciting day folks! And yes, I really do get this excited over clean clothes! That's a luxury I can't always afford! It's the little things, yo.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Single Christian mom/Hospice Aide seeking SLEEP
Over the last few years I've developed a pattern.. or well maybe its more a bad habit. I get home from work, take a nap, then I stay up until all hours of the night and go to bed late just to have to wake up again in a few hours. What a horrible mess I've made for myself! But I'm doing my best to rectify the situation.
I don't always do that. I usually do my best to atleast make dinner for Ethan and get some work done before I do my initial "napping".. or I'd only let myself sleep for an hour or two then wake up, make dinner and such. There's never enough time in the day!! Has anyone else ever noticed this??
You know what I found out? One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. Crazy, right?? I mean.. sometimes I have this fantasy where there are totally extra hours in the day and I can get so much done! If I had more hours in the day I would have eaten dinner last night because it was just so hot all night... I couldn't bear the thought of cooking over a hot stove.. I don't want sweat in my food. And if there were more hours in the day I would have done what I told my realtor I was going to do... sorry Tracy!! If there were more hours in the day I would have blogged last night... oh wait.. I did, didn't I? Oh, hey see! There's a glimmer of hope!!!
But seriously. Imagine you have 6 more hours in the day. There are 30 hours in the day.. would you get more done? Or just have more lazy time? I thought about it.. I shut off my netflix and huluplus to get more done and I'm getting even less done now than when they were on! I think this has more to do with discipline than it does needing more time.
Darnit mom! Why didn't you tell me this when you'd yell at me to go to bed???? Because now I'm set in my ways! Well... I'll just have to add another thing to my list of bad habits to break.. if anyone's keeping score that's my potty mouth (not doing so well on that one, but I'm recognizing the problem) and now it's going to bed at a reasonable hour.
God, help me.
I don't always do that. I usually do my best to atleast make dinner for Ethan and get some work done before I do my initial "napping".. or I'd only let myself sleep for an hour or two then wake up, make dinner and such. There's never enough time in the day!! Has anyone else ever noticed this??
You know what I found out? One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. Crazy, right?? I mean.. sometimes I have this fantasy where there are totally extra hours in the day and I can get so much done! If I had more hours in the day I would have eaten dinner last night because it was just so hot all night... I couldn't bear the thought of cooking over a hot stove.. I don't want sweat in my food. And if there were more hours in the day I would have done what I told my realtor I was going to do... sorry Tracy!! If there were more hours in the day I would have blogged last night... oh wait.. I did, didn't I? Oh, hey see! There's a glimmer of hope!!!
But seriously. Imagine you have 6 more hours in the day. There are 30 hours in the day.. would you get more done? Or just have more lazy time? I thought about it.. I shut off my netflix and huluplus to get more done and I'm getting even less done now than when they were on! I think this has more to do with discipline than it does needing more time.
Darnit mom! Why didn't you tell me this when you'd yell at me to go to bed???? Because now I'm set in my ways! Well... I'll just have to add another thing to my list of bad habits to break.. if anyone's keeping score that's my potty mouth (not doing so well on that one, but I'm recognizing the problem) and now it's going to bed at a reasonable hour.
God, help me.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
One of THOSE days...
Its been a rough day... mentally.
In case you aren't already aware I've decided to make a major life choice and try to purchase a home, I've been putting it off for a while because I just wasn't sure if I was ready. And today I can think of another reason... I just wanted to purchase my first home with my husband. I didn't want to wait any longer, I wanted this for my son and myself... and today as I was checking out my third home I was just reminded of the fact that all the needs of the home would need to be met by none other than... me.
I grew up with a father who did all the handy work, and I guess I just didn't consider what it would take to get a semi-ready home ready for living in.
It was depressing. I left there feeling pretty low and discouraged. Then all those dark thoughts started creeping in.. I can't do this alone! What am I thinking??? I should just give up now before I embarrass myself yet again on another failed attempt to move forward. Life's funny like that, it likes to pick on me. So I had a small pity party on my way home.. I watched all the homes pass by me as I drove by wondering what it would be like to own one, and wondering if I'd ever get the chance.
But I'm so sick of feeling defeated! I'm so sick of feeling as though I am a burden. I've worked my hiney off my whole life just so I would not be that person that depends on others for their livelihood. I just need one good day. One day where everything goes right. Where God smiles on me and says.. "The world is yours! Go forth and conquer it!!"
Knowing what the Word says about being more than a conqueror (Romans 8:31-9nlt) and knowing that God, as a loving Father, watches over my life daily and cares more for me than I even know, well maybe than He's up there with a plan.
So I guess this is my testimony to show you what I'm facing. And soon you will hear about what God has done to change it, and bless my life. Just wait and see... He won't leave me alone in this, and I've been waiting patiently to see just what He's going to do from here...
"For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." Isaiah 43:19nlt
In case you aren't already aware I've decided to make a major life choice and try to purchase a home, I've been putting it off for a while because I just wasn't sure if I was ready. And today I can think of another reason... I just wanted to purchase my first home with my husband. I didn't want to wait any longer, I wanted this for my son and myself... and today as I was checking out my third home I was just reminded of the fact that all the needs of the home would need to be met by none other than... me.
I grew up with a father who did all the handy work, and I guess I just didn't consider what it would take to get a semi-ready home ready for living in.
It was depressing. I left there feeling pretty low and discouraged. Then all those dark thoughts started creeping in.. I can't do this alone! What am I thinking??? I should just give up now before I embarrass myself yet again on another failed attempt to move forward. Life's funny like that, it likes to pick on me. So I had a small pity party on my way home.. I watched all the homes pass by me as I drove by wondering what it would be like to own one, and wondering if I'd ever get the chance.
But I'm so sick of feeling defeated! I'm so sick of feeling as though I am a burden. I've worked my hiney off my whole life just so I would not be that person that depends on others for their livelihood. I just need one good day. One day where everything goes right. Where God smiles on me and says.. "The world is yours! Go forth and conquer it!!"
Knowing what the Word says about being more than a conqueror (Romans 8:31-9nlt) and knowing that God, as a loving Father, watches over my life daily and cares more for me than I even know, well maybe than He's up there with a plan.
So I guess this is my testimony to show you what I'm facing. And soon you will hear about what God has done to change it, and bless my life. Just wait and see... He won't leave me alone in this, and I've been waiting patiently to see just what He's going to do from here...
"For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." Isaiah 43:19nlt
Monday, July 15, 2013
Letting go...
I'm pretty sure my son thinks I'm crazy. I can tell by the way he answers the phone when I call him throughout the day. And maybe I'm just being overprotective, but I thought calling him over the course of the day was a good thing! I realize he's almost 14, but seriously, why does he make me feel like my calling him is a pain?
I'm sorry to bother you Ethan, but I just wanted to make sure the apartment has not burnt down.. or that you weren't dead or something. Maybe this all stems from a deeper seeded issue.. Last year a friend of mine came home to her 14 year old son with a chain around his neck tied to the fridge. And it hit me harder than I expected it to. Every day since that day I have agonized over whether I am a good enough parent to keep my son from killing himself. That first month after the death of that boy I cried every day, and called every second I could when my son was at home by himself.
The reason it hit me so hard was because she was a single mom too. And he was an only child, and he went home by himself after school... her situation was so very similar to mine, and it scared me. It still scares me today, but not as much as it used to.
I worry constantly about whether Ethan is happy. Am I doing all I possibly can to keep him happy without being too overbearing? Am I giving just enough attention without spoiling him and making him into a self-entitled brat?? I have no idea. So I call him throughout the day. And I make sure to talk to him about the future. I ask him what kind of car he wants, or the small job he wants to do when he's old enough to work to make some money...
I had a ray of hope the other day that I don't need to be so obsessive. I was cooking dinner and he came into the kitchen and said to me, "Mom, I think its time I learn how to cook something other than eggs." I know it seems so small of a think to get excited about, but seriously, I just wanted to cry I was so happy.
It's crazy how something like a friend's child's suicide can effect me as deeply as it did. And now that this whole experience is winding down I see days like today and feel so tired over my life.
Today I'm exhausted. I worked all day and when I got home I couldn't even make dinner I sat down and next thing I know I'm asleep on the couch. This is my life. Worrying about my son killing himself, and working so much it's killing me.
Oh, the wonders of being a single mother. But hey, I'm not dead yet.
I'm sorry to bother you Ethan, but I just wanted to make sure the apartment has not burnt down.. or that you weren't dead or something. Maybe this all stems from a deeper seeded issue.. Last year a friend of mine came home to her 14 year old son with a chain around his neck tied to the fridge. And it hit me harder than I expected it to. Every day since that day I have agonized over whether I am a good enough parent to keep my son from killing himself. That first month after the death of that boy I cried every day, and called every second I could when my son was at home by himself.
The reason it hit me so hard was because she was a single mom too. And he was an only child, and he went home by himself after school... her situation was so very similar to mine, and it scared me. It still scares me today, but not as much as it used to.
I worry constantly about whether Ethan is happy. Am I doing all I possibly can to keep him happy without being too overbearing? Am I giving just enough attention without spoiling him and making him into a self-entitled brat?? I have no idea. So I call him throughout the day. And I make sure to talk to him about the future. I ask him what kind of car he wants, or the small job he wants to do when he's old enough to work to make some money...
I had a ray of hope the other day that I don't need to be so obsessive. I was cooking dinner and he came into the kitchen and said to me, "Mom, I think its time I learn how to cook something other than eggs." I know it seems so small of a think to get excited about, but seriously, I just wanted to cry I was so happy.
It's crazy how something like a friend's child's suicide can effect me as deeply as it did. And now that this whole experience is winding down I see days like today and feel so tired over my life.
Today I'm exhausted. I worked all day and when I got home I couldn't even make dinner I sat down and next thing I know I'm asleep on the couch. This is my life. Worrying about my son killing himself, and working so much it's killing me.
Oh, the wonders of being a single mother. But hey, I'm not dead yet.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Potty Mouth
I just wanted to take a minute to share with you a struggle of mine. This is a serious matter, and I just am trying my best to overcome this, but it seems to have a hold on me!!
I have a potty mouth. (Hangs head in shame).. Yeah, it's horrible! I try really hard not to say the "F" bomb because people are watching me, and if I say that word I must be a terrible Christian because Jesus would never be like that!! Yeah. I say bad words. Sometimes, I just get so mad that I just start literally spewing swear after swear! This mostly happens when I'm playing Mario Bros on Wii or when I'm driving. But it has happened, on occasions, where I was in the midst of a toddler. (oops.)
This is the deal.. My kid is 13. He's not particularly fond of me saying such words either.. so I guess this means I need to go to potty mouth rehab or something. They say it takes 21 days to start a habit, but how many days does it take to BREAK a habit???
Hey, I'll let you know! This is Day 1. I don't think I've said any swears yet today....?? Well, we'll start now.. so there ya go.
I have a potty mouth. (Hangs head in shame).. Yeah, it's horrible! I try really hard not to say the "F" bomb because people are watching me, and if I say that word I must be a terrible Christian because Jesus would never be like that!! Yeah. I say bad words. Sometimes, I just get so mad that I just start literally spewing swear after swear! This mostly happens when I'm playing Mario Bros on Wii or when I'm driving. But it has happened, on occasions, where I was in the midst of a toddler. (oops.)
This is the deal.. My kid is 13. He's not particularly fond of me saying such words either.. so I guess this means I need to go to potty mouth rehab or something. They say it takes 21 days to start a habit, but how many days does it take to BREAK a habit???
Hey, I'll let you know! This is Day 1. I don't think I've said any swears yet today....?? Well, we'll start now.. so there ya go.
Be outgoing? Check!
Today was a good day. I can't believe the difference I feel in just being open to others talking to me... I know sometimes I can be a major brat about that kind of thing and it makes me seem snobby, so I actually put forth effort with good results!!
I'm really not a snob. I'm actually just an introvert, and I find that this very characteristic is a big reason why I am misunderstood. I guess people like me just need to try harder to overcome this perception.
I just really liked today's sermon too.. it was about sharing as a sign of maturity. But I'm not saying it to be one of those "I'm such a great christian look at how awesome I am" people.. No, I'm saying it because I really needed a measure to see how I'm doing.. and I do think I could use a bit of growing up in some areas..
I'm really not a snob. I'm actually just an introvert, and I find that this very characteristic is a big reason why I am misunderstood. I guess people like me just need to try harder to overcome this perception.
I just really liked today's sermon too.. it was about sharing as a sign of maturity. But I'm not saying it to be one of those "I'm such a great christian look at how awesome I am" people.. No, I'm saying it because I really needed a measure to see how I'm doing.. and I do think I could use a bit of growing up in some areas..
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Thoughts for tomorrow..
I realize I have already written something for tonight.. but I was putting a lot of thought into what exactly I would need to do to emerge from my "singlemotherhood" cave and step out into this lovely world and it dawned on me that I'm so used to being a hermit that I have no idea how I'm even going to start...
I had two offers of things to do today.. one was a bridal shower I was invited to, but that was really far, and gas is not free.. and the other was to spend time with my family who lives a few towns away, but honestly, I had to pull myself out of bed this morning.. uh.. afternoon, I mean.. yeah, I got up after noon.. let's leave it at that.. and when I finally got up I was in this blurry numb place because I felt horrible.. why? Well, I'm not only a single christian mom, but I work as a traveling hospice aide and that does many things to me, including remove my desire to be around people... I get enough of that from work.
So I'm in a horrible place. I just wanted to put it out there that I love my job. No, I really do. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have never truly enjoyed working, and I don't even consider this working.. I feel so blessed that I get paid to take care of the precious souls I care for. (Some aren't so precious, but heck, they're still dying.. so not everyone does well with that knowledge.)
I guess I'm feeling stuck. I want to go out and do things.. but then when the situation presents itself to do just that I am reminded of how much I like my couch.. and a nice blanket to wrap up in... and a nice cup of coffee... and a movie or tv show to help me shut my brain off of all the stuff from the previous week. I have a very demanding job.. to be ever present mentally and physically is not an easy task.. add to that a need to travel to each patient, well then you'd get a small picture of just why you find me here on my computer at 11:30pm on a Saturday night and not out somewhere finishing up an evening of fun. I could go outside.. there are good people sitting outside right now talking that I like to talk to.. but instead I've been playing video games (Mario Bros for WII).
I guess I like my me time. Another big fat reminder that I'm doomed to be a single christian spinster..
What I guess I'm going to have to do is shed this comfortable shell of mine. Oye. I'll have to talk to people and begin to actually try. And I've already begun, if I thought about it... usually at work I'm pretty nonsocial, and lately I've been talking with people outside of the usual "Hi, how are ya?" kind of stuff. Go me!
Stay tuned.. I'll be experimenting on being more outgoing tomorrow at church... Maybe I'll even talk to someone I don't know! I have gotten a reputation of being scary, and that's never good, so I'm going to have to work on that too...
I had two offers of things to do today.. one was a bridal shower I was invited to, but that was really far, and gas is not free.. and the other was to spend time with my family who lives a few towns away, but honestly, I had to pull myself out of bed this morning.. uh.. afternoon, I mean.. yeah, I got up after noon.. let's leave it at that.. and when I finally got up I was in this blurry numb place because I felt horrible.. why? Well, I'm not only a single christian mom, but I work as a traveling hospice aide and that does many things to me, including remove my desire to be around people... I get enough of that from work.
So I'm in a horrible place. I just wanted to put it out there that I love my job. No, I really do. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have never truly enjoyed working, and I don't even consider this working.. I feel so blessed that I get paid to take care of the precious souls I care for. (Some aren't so precious, but heck, they're still dying.. so not everyone does well with that knowledge.)
I guess I'm feeling stuck. I want to go out and do things.. but then when the situation presents itself to do just that I am reminded of how much I like my couch.. and a nice blanket to wrap up in... and a nice cup of coffee... and a movie or tv show to help me shut my brain off of all the stuff from the previous week. I have a very demanding job.. to be ever present mentally and physically is not an easy task.. add to that a need to travel to each patient, well then you'd get a small picture of just why you find me here on my computer at 11:30pm on a Saturday night and not out somewhere finishing up an evening of fun. I could go outside.. there are good people sitting outside right now talking that I like to talk to.. but instead I've been playing video games (Mario Bros for WII).
I guess I like my me time. Another big fat reminder that I'm doomed to be a single christian spinster..
What I guess I'm going to have to do is shed this comfortable shell of mine. Oye. I'll have to talk to people and begin to actually try. And I've already begun, if I thought about it... usually at work I'm pretty nonsocial, and lately I've been talking with people outside of the usual "Hi, how are ya?" kind of stuff. Go me!
Stay tuned.. I'll be experimenting on being more outgoing tomorrow at church... Maybe I'll even talk to someone I don't know! I have gotten a reputation of being scary, and that's never good, so I'm going to have to work on that too...
New blog, new thoughts
So I started this other blog about my faith. And it is totally great. I really love to write about Jesus, and I really love to learn about Jesus. But funny story, I find that there's this whole other side of me that is starting to emerge and it just kind of snuck up on me, so I decided to indulge. Why not?
What's this other side? Well it's the single christian mom. She's not lonely, but she is kind of a head-case. And I think she just wants some validation that she isn't crazy.
So hello, my name is Jocelynn. I am a single christian mom and I have been for 13 years, by tax standards. Never been married.. gotten close a few times, but never quite there. And now that my boy is 13 there's a strange transition going on... I'm realizing that I have to get a life outside of my son! (OH DEAR GOD).
No one ever warns you about what happens after the whole total dependence thing starts to go away.. no diapers need changing, no bottles to warm, and he pretty much takes care of himself in the eating department. So yeah, here I am with a growing child who is at the age where he can pretty much take care of himself.
AND not only am I a single mom, but I'm a single CHRISTIAN mom. That seems to be a huge red flag to people these days. I must be a strange species because I don't get my jollies "clubbing it up". Sorry about that, it's just never been a desire of mine to go to a place packed full of people drunk and rubbing up against one another. Pretty gross to me. Hey, if you like that kind of thing I am in no way judging you, I just don't. I like hiking and going to the beach and spending time writing, but that's just me.
The problem with all of this is that I'm slowly discovering that unless some guy pops into my life, well I think I'm just going to end up a single christian spinster. Maybe I should just go buy my birds, cats and rocking chair now. UGH. What a life.
But hey.. it can't be that bad... can it????
What's this other side? Well it's the single christian mom. She's not lonely, but she is kind of a head-case. And I think she just wants some validation that she isn't crazy.
So hello, my name is Jocelynn. I am a single christian mom and I have been for 13 years, by tax standards. Never been married.. gotten close a few times, but never quite there. And now that my boy is 13 there's a strange transition going on... I'm realizing that I have to get a life outside of my son! (OH DEAR GOD).
No one ever warns you about what happens after the whole total dependence thing starts to go away.. no diapers need changing, no bottles to warm, and he pretty much takes care of himself in the eating department. So yeah, here I am with a growing child who is at the age where he can pretty much take care of himself.
AND not only am I a single mom, but I'm a single CHRISTIAN mom. That seems to be a huge red flag to people these days. I must be a strange species because I don't get my jollies "clubbing it up". Sorry about that, it's just never been a desire of mine to go to a place packed full of people drunk and rubbing up against one another. Pretty gross to me. Hey, if you like that kind of thing I am in no way judging you, I just don't. I like hiking and going to the beach and spending time writing, but that's just me.
The problem with all of this is that I'm slowly discovering that unless some guy pops into my life, well I think I'm just going to end up a single christian spinster. Maybe I should just go buy my birds, cats and rocking chair now. UGH. What a life.
But hey.. it can't be that bad... can it????
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