Out of Ethan's shadow.

This has been a great summer. I didn't have to shell out a ton of money to a camp for Ethan and worry the whole time if he's getting along with everyone... and I didn't have to worry about transportation for him, or the added expense of food for a teenager..

Luckily I have sources that are such good blessings.  Friends who help out and never make me feel guilty about that help.  (Thanks Tiffany!!)

Yesterday I went up to Soulfest.  It was AWESOME, btw.  As I was walking around someone I knew said something to me that kind of hit me.. "I didn't recognize you without your son!"  It was a harmless joke.  No I'm not mad at them.  But it really makes me wonder.. maybe all this time I've been having a hard time getting back to myself because when you're invisible for so long you get used to it.  I don't mean I was ignored or anything.. but Ethan was the main priority in my life.  My life solely was spent making sure he got what he needed.  I worked hard to finally get us into our own apartment, and we've successfully lived on our own for 4 years! Now I've embarked on a new journey to buy a home, and that's kind of opened up a can of worms.. you might say.  Once I made the decision to do this I moved forward taking the necessary steps.. contacted my mortgage company, contacted a realtor, started looking at homes.. found a friend I trusted to talk me out of buying money pits (Thanks again Linda!! YOU ROCK).. these things I thought would be enough.  They weren't.  The only thing I've gotten out of this experience is experience.  No house. Sure, I know more than I did yesterday, and I can absolutely have a better grip on things, but I just kind of realized that this stuff is hard.

I've been a single mom for so long now, I have no idea what it's like to have help.  Ethan's father has never been in the picture, and any man that came into my life never stayed.  So Ethan's been the star of my life.  And now doing all this house stuff I realize, holy crap, Ethan's 13.  He will be 14 in January, and then in 5 years he will (hopefully) be a high school graduate!  This living to raise Ethan is kind of over.  I don't need to live like that anymore.  Yes I still need to raise him, but it's no longer about constant hovering.. he's at the point where he's learning to be an independent young man.. so where does that leave me?  Alone.

So I'm kind of starting over, if you think about it.  And I don't really want to think about it.  Because that part of my life that I never got a chance to experience.. living for myself.. is proving to be one scary place.  I mess up a lot.  Out of Ethan's shadow I'm vulnerable to people getting to know ME when we talk, instead of asking about my baby.  And even though I have a lot to say, it takes a lot to say it because I'm not used to being me.  I'm used to being Ethan's mom.  I'm still Ethan's mom.. don't get me wrong, I can go from JossyB to Ethan's mom in 0.2 seconds.  But every day I come home from work during the week and Ethan's not here.. he's at his friends house.. so I make myself some dinner.. and I don't know how to cook for one.. so I make too much then eat too much.

Once I get used to the light out of the shadow I'm sure I'll be fine.  But until then don't pay any mind to my squinting.. I've really just been in the shadows for far too long.