It's been awhile since I've shared my thoughts. Honestly, I had lost all desire to write. Strange for me, I know, because this is what I love. But after the death of a close patient of mine I was just kind of waiting for whatever it was over me to leave. I felt like I had a dark shadow following me. Every time the sky was cloudy and it was raining I seemed to be feeling low and sad. And I was forgetting EVERYTHING. And when I say everything, I mean I was a mental mess! I was forgetting important dates and meetings. I was even forgetting things I'd said days or sometimes even hours after I had said them. One time I said a word that I thought was right and other people said I didn't say that word at all! Oh my gosh, I thought I was going crazy. One of my coworkers gave me a small book on grief and guess what some of the symptoms are??
Mentally some responses you can expect are:
-Lack of concentration
-Confusion/forgetfulness
-Absentmindedness
-Preoccupation
I know that this wasn't a family member, but I took care of this person on a daily basis for over a year. She shared a birthday with me, and I was one of the few people she recognized and let help her. We had a close relationship, I looked at her as my family. She didn't have much of a family. And when she passed they didn't even know what her funeral arrangements were! It was heartbreaking for me. I needed healing. I needed time. That story I wrote after her death brought a lot of healing in itself.
Grief is a hard thing. Those who suffer the loss of a loved one are left behind wondering so many things:
"Why did this have to happen?" "Why am I still here?" "What's the meaning to life? Or is there even meaning at all?"
If you have lost someone you have probably wondered those same things. In my life I've watched family's lose members, and I've lost some of my own. It makes me face my mortality everyday. It's easy to close that side of life off if you don't see it on a daily basis.
Last night a situation presented itself for my son. And I could have been part of it too. People were taking a walk to the park at 11:30. Yeah. I've already been down that road. Something I would have jumped to do when I was a teenager. But I'm 31 years old and I've suddenly realized that I'm surrounded by people who are hell-bent on not growing up. I've been in that place. I stayed out late at night and pushed away my responsibilities. But lately I don't want to do that anymore. I feel like it's my turn for the good things to start happening, ya know? I've had to grow up real fast being a mother at 16. I didn't get to be young, and I got angry about that, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't want that life for myself. Forever young? I don't want to be. I love growing up and maturing. And my son? I don't want him to be a baby forever either! In fact, I've LOVED watching every stage he's gone through!
I work in hospice, and I've learned there's more than one way to die. But there's also more than one way to live. You can live like there's no tomorrow, or you can live like tomorrow will never come. Lately I've been thanking God that yesterday is gone. It's not that I don't have good memories from my past, but I've got so many good things coming that I can't let my past drag me down. I'm looking to the future, and wanting all the good things it has in store. So my biggest job is to get ready for it. Prepare today for tomorrow is my new motto. I've kind of put my work on myself on the back burner, not completely, but I wasn't really as disciplined as I should have been. I have been allowing things back in that I would have never let in when I was taking my life more seriously. That has to change now. I can't live like this. I don't think my patient would have wanted me to.
So it's a new day folks! Yesterday is gone. And I can focus on the good things coming!
If you are having trouble with the loss of a loved one know that you are not alone. There are TONS of resources out there for people just like you. Seek out a friend, family member, co-worker, clergyman, pastor, priest, etc. Go talk to someone. Don't keep it inside! All humans experience death. No one lives forever. But that doesn't make letting someone go any easier- having someone to talk to about it does.
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