Thoughts for tomorrow..

I realize I have already written something for tonight.. but I was putting a lot of thought into what exactly I would need to do to emerge from my "singlemotherhood" cave and step out into this lovely world and it dawned on me that I'm so used to being a hermit that I have no idea how I'm even going to start...

I had two offers of things to do today.. one was a bridal shower I was invited to, but that was really far, and gas is not free.. and the other was to spend time with my family who lives a few towns away, but honestly, I had to pull myself out of bed this morning.. uh.. afternoon, I mean.. yeah, I got up after noon.. let's leave it at that.. and when I finally got up I was in this blurry numb place because I felt horrible.. why?  Well, I'm not only a single christian mom, but I work as a traveling hospice aide and that does many things to me, including remove my desire to be around people... I get enough of that from work.

So I'm in a horrible place.  I just wanted to put it out there that I love my job.  No, I really do.  It's one of the best decisions I've ever made.  I have never truly enjoyed working, and I don't even consider this working.. I feel so blessed that I get paid to take care of the precious souls I care for.  (Some aren't so precious, but heck, they're still dying.. so not everyone does well with that knowledge.)

I guess I'm feeling stuck.  I want to go out and do things.. but then when the situation presents itself to do just that I am reminded of how much I like my couch.. and a nice blanket to wrap up in... and a nice cup of coffee... and a movie or tv show to help me shut my brain off of all the stuff from the previous week.  I have a very demanding job.. to be ever present mentally and physically is not an easy task.. add to that a need to travel to each patient, well then you'd get a small picture of just why you find me here on my computer at 11:30pm on a Saturday night and not out somewhere finishing up an evening of fun.  I could go outside.. there are good people sitting outside right now talking that I like to talk to.. but instead I've been playing video games (Mario Bros for WII).

I guess I like my me time.  Another big fat reminder that I'm doomed to be a single christian spinster..

What I guess I'm going to have to do is shed this comfortable shell of mine.  Oye.  I'll have to talk to people and begin to actually try.  And I've already begun, if I thought about it... usually at work I'm pretty nonsocial, and lately I've been talking with people outside of the usual "Hi, how are ya?" kind of stuff.  Go me!

Stay tuned.. I'll be experimenting on being more outgoing tomorrow at church... Maybe I'll even talk to someone I don't know! I have gotten a reputation of being scary, and that's never good, so I'm going to have to work on that too...