I feel this insane need to share with you how my day has gone.
I woke up at 6:30am. First thought? DEAR GOD I was supposed to be at my yard sale set up by 6!!
I jump out of bed (in the clothes I fell asleep in last night because I was too lazy to change) and throw on a clean shirt.. good enough yo!
Yell at my son to get out of bed. It's now 6:45am. The coffee is on, behind a sink and counter full of dirty dishes.. and a dirty stove next to that... with a cluttered kitchen surrounding it. Oh boy, mark that on my to-do list...
Somehow I manage to wrangle my 13 year old in one piece (and get him to brush his teeth!) and into the loaded car to my destination with my full to the brim coffee mug (didn't spill too much this time!) just after 7:05am.
K. Good. I can set up and start the yard sale at 8am like I planned.
Just as I'm starting to load to bring down to the actual site some guy who looks like he walked off the set of "Pawn Stars" as one of the people who try to sell them stuff comes barrelling down the driveway. He immediately gets to the point.. he's looking for the antique's and the jewelry I'm selling.. no doubt to just sell it himself (or there's one lucky lady with some of Jossyb's finest coming at them!) I show him my bag of earrings and he ruffles through them.. "How much for the whole bag?" Really? I mean.. my first thought was, "But I haven't even gotten the chance to set them up all pretty and stuff..." That's really why I hesitated. Dude was throwing off my groove. I sold him four things from the pile, for less than I had intended. And this guy was the only customer for another hour and a half.
Yep. I got to set up all my treasures. Things I have grown to love over the years that just needed to be given away.. some stopped by after. I had a whopping sale of $13!! (Don't be jealous) I even had a guy drive up on a bicycle all sweaty and crazy-eyed.. asked me if I smoked... he needed a lighter.. I don't, then he bought my "Footprints" poem wall hanging.. way to surprise me bicycle guy! But then made sure to ask my 13 year old if he smoked.. well, hey, I guess he was just hoping for the best.
At about noon I started packing up because I just didn't want to sit there any longer.. even though the site of my son at the road holding the "Yard Sale" sign dancing along to my Johnny Cash and Patsy Cline music while giving passing cars the thumbs up was pretty amusing, it had to end sometime.
Needless to say, a load that took 3 trips to bring there only took ONE trip home thanks to my puzzle doing genius mind and some bungee cords! Yep.
I got home, made some lunch, ate Ice cream while it cooked, then started dragging everything out of my car into my horrific apartment.
That was 2pm. Over the last 7 hours I've made myself a milkshake. Checked out quick and easy ways to clean your apartment online.. spent a few hours watching some episode's of "The daily show" Then spent some time on Buzzfeed.com.. took a shower! (That was a need 4 days in the making, hey, don't judge me! I'm crazy busy, what with all this sitting around I have to do!)
It's now 9:45pm. My apartment looks worse than when I left it and I don't intend on cleaning it. And I'm not sorry. Not even a little bit.
So good night! Hope you had a better day than me!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
Not Like THEM.
I saw the video everyone was blasting.. well part of it, I couldn't watch the whole thing. It was that horrible. You know, the one with Miley Cyrus, the dancing teddy bears, and that creep Robin Thicke? This whole backlash against Miley Cyrus and her performance on MTV was such a shock to everyone, because this stuff is just so brand new....
Really? Were you REALLY shocked? Please tell me you're kidding.
This world is full of a lot of good things. But its also full of a lot of bad things. And it HAS been for like, years now. But lately those bad things seem to be what gets more of your attention. I mean, hey, I'm sure if I shook my butt in front of men while practically naked I wouldn't be alone every night. But lets be honest here.. do you really think that kind of behavior would make my life any better? For those of you applauding Miley for being herself, do you really think deep down that girl is happy? If you think yes, well then you have no idea what real happiness is. Sorry.
In ten years, that girl will be thirty. That's just about how old I am right now. I'm thirty one. I look back and a lot of the problems I have been working through now began from that age. When I was her age I had men looking at me the way they looked at her. In fact, I even had a guy who only dated me until he got what he wanted, and then broke up with me. He was much older than me too. You know what I think about him now? He was pathetic. He took advantage of a 20-year-old for his own personal needs, and if you ask me he wasn't a man at all. I wish I could have told my 20 year old self just what those kind of guys do to your self image.
I bet I would have loved Miley Cyrus back then. I would have thought "twerking" was sexy, and that dressing like that would get the guys to like me, and the girls to want to be like me. But do you know what that creates? It creates immoral, selfish, self-centered, entitled people who only care about what they want to do, regardless of the damage it causes. And in ten years she's going to regret every bit of it, you can quote me on it, too.
As for me and my thirty one year old life? Yes I'm still single. No I do not go out partying and drinking it up at the clubs and bars. I could, but each time I'm tempted I remind myself of the times I went out with my sisters, sitting on the barstool waiting for them to get all drunk, and dance to the blasting music.. then finally realize they are too drunk to stand up, have to walk them back to the car where they throw up the last five drinks that were "so good I've got to try it" and then sit silently in the car as they lay passed out on my shoulder until we get them home.
Why is that fun for people? Why is drinking and partying fun?? I've heard many excuses. There is never a new one. "It's a great way to let loose" "You can leave the day behind" "It helps you forget the crap from the day"..
I have news for you, what the expectation of a night out at the clubs are and the reality of it is two VERY different things. You see the tv show versions and think it must be awesome.. but when you get to the club it's about 10pm and no ones there because they don't get there until around 11:30.. then it gets so packed you can't even move, then you have to wait in line as a billion people order their drinks from a screaming bartender over music so loud you can't even think. The floors are sticky from God knows what, the people are smelly and sweaty from God knows what, and you are forced to watch girls who are much prettier than you get the attention because their boobs are hanging out.. so forget getting a drink. I say just bring your own because you know there are those creeps who will drug a girl because they are too pathetic to get one without drugging them.
Ew. Good LORD, I just gave myself an anxiety attack!
Am I the only one who thinks that is not fun?? Every time I leave those situations I feel so bad about myself. If I let myself get taken by those kinds of people maybe momentarily I'll be happy, mostly because I'd be drunk, but what happens when the alcohol wears off? I still have to deal with my emotions, or whatever it is I'm trying to forget or get over... and last time I checked that is never accomplished with alcohol. That usually makes the situation worse, not better.
Ho hum, and this is what the world wants more of? And this girl Miley gets to be verbally beaten to death by the people who will kick her when she's down instead of helping her back to her feet.
Oh, Miley. I wish you would listen to the wisdom of woman like Maya Angelou who's said things like, "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her." I wish you were taught that your body belongs to God, until you are married, then it is shared (with your husband)... I wish you would be encouraged by the good person you were, and not embarrassed and have this desire to change your image from it. Do you really have to be this way Miley? Do you hear what they say now? Is this really who you want to be?
Robin Thicke should be ashamed of himself. And so should all the "boys" who enjoyed that performance. She is nothing more than a prostitute to you, selling sex. It's disgusting. I guess they like it because it's the cool thing to do. My life of going to church and serving as a missionary isn't cool or sexy... I'm too goody goody for them... yep, so no attention from them for me.
Good. Thank God. The last thing I want is disgusting boys like that hurting me. I grew up out of my past of allowing the wrong guys around me. Yes I sit at home a lot, no I don't have a date every night. But you know what? I'd rather be home alone then out with the wrong guy who's only intention is to break my heart or use me.
Thank you very much.
And my son will be raised to learn what a real man is, not like those that are paid to be the pigs that they are. No way. He's going to hold doors for ladies, he'll be respectful, and if I catch him acting the way the world says he should I will promptly correct him. He's better than that. And I will never condone that... He will learn how to treat women, and NOT LIKE THEM.
Really? Were you REALLY shocked? Please tell me you're kidding.
This world is full of a lot of good things. But its also full of a lot of bad things. And it HAS been for like, years now. But lately those bad things seem to be what gets more of your attention. I mean, hey, I'm sure if I shook my butt in front of men while practically naked I wouldn't be alone every night. But lets be honest here.. do you really think that kind of behavior would make my life any better? For those of you applauding Miley for being herself, do you really think deep down that girl is happy? If you think yes, well then you have no idea what real happiness is. Sorry.
In ten years, that girl will be thirty. That's just about how old I am right now. I'm thirty one. I look back and a lot of the problems I have been working through now began from that age. When I was her age I had men looking at me the way they looked at her. In fact, I even had a guy who only dated me until he got what he wanted, and then broke up with me. He was much older than me too. You know what I think about him now? He was pathetic. He took advantage of a 20-year-old for his own personal needs, and if you ask me he wasn't a man at all. I wish I could have told my 20 year old self just what those kind of guys do to your self image.
I bet I would have loved Miley Cyrus back then. I would have thought "twerking" was sexy, and that dressing like that would get the guys to like me, and the girls to want to be like me. But do you know what that creates? It creates immoral, selfish, self-centered, entitled people who only care about what they want to do, regardless of the damage it causes. And in ten years she's going to regret every bit of it, you can quote me on it, too.
As for me and my thirty one year old life? Yes I'm still single. No I do not go out partying and drinking it up at the clubs and bars. I could, but each time I'm tempted I remind myself of the times I went out with my sisters, sitting on the barstool waiting for them to get all drunk, and dance to the blasting music.. then finally realize they are too drunk to stand up, have to walk them back to the car where they throw up the last five drinks that were "so good I've got to try it" and then sit silently in the car as they lay passed out on my shoulder until we get them home.
Why is that fun for people? Why is drinking and partying fun?? I've heard many excuses. There is never a new one. "It's a great way to let loose" "You can leave the day behind" "It helps you forget the crap from the day"..
I have news for you, what the expectation of a night out at the clubs are and the reality of it is two VERY different things. You see the tv show versions and think it must be awesome.. but when you get to the club it's about 10pm and no ones there because they don't get there until around 11:30.. then it gets so packed you can't even move, then you have to wait in line as a billion people order their drinks from a screaming bartender over music so loud you can't even think. The floors are sticky from God knows what, the people are smelly and sweaty from God knows what, and you are forced to watch girls who are much prettier than you get the attention because their boobs are hanging out.. so forget getting a drink. I say just bring your own because you know there are those creeps who will drug a girl because they are too pathetic to get one without drugging them.
Ew. Good LORD, I just gave myself an anxiety attack!
Am I the only one who thinks that is not fun?? Every time I leave those situations I feel so bad about myself. If I let myself get taken by those kinds of people maybe momentarily I'll be happy, mostly because I'd be drunk, but what happens when the alcohol wears off? I still have to deal with my emotions, or whatever it is I'm trying to forget or get over... and last time I checked that is never accomplished with alcohol. That usually makes the situation worse, not better.
Ho hum, and this is what the world wants more of? And this girl Miley gets to be verbally beaten to death by the people who will kick her when she's down instead of helping her back to her feet.
Oh, Miley. I wish you would listen to the wisdom of woman like Maya Angelou who's said things like, "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her." I wish you were taught that your body belongs to God, until you are married, then it is shared (with your husband)... I wish you would be encouraged by the good person you were, and not embarrassed and have this desire to change your image from it. Do you really have to be this way Miley? Do you hear what they say now? Is this really who you want to be?
Robin Thicke should be ashamed of himself. And so should all the "boys" who enjoyed that performance. She is nothing more than a prostitute to you, selling sex. It's disgusting. I guess they like it because it's the cool thing to do. My life of going to church and serving as a missionary isn't cool or sexy... I'm too goody goody for them... yep, so no attention from them for me.
Good. Thank God. The last thing I want is disgusting boys like that hurting me. I grew up out of my past of allowing the wrong guys around me. Yes I sit at home a lot, no I don't have a date every night. But you know what? I'd rather be home alone then out with the wrong guy who's only intention is to break my heart or use me.
Thank you very much.
And my son will be raised to learn what a real man is, not like those that are paid to be the pigs that they are. No way. He's going to hold doors for ladies, he'll be respectful, and if I catch him acting the way the world says he should I will promptly correct him. He's better than that. And I will never condone that... He will learn how to treat women, and NOT LIKE THEM.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Long time, no see!
It's been awhile since I've shared my thoughts. Honestly, I had lost all desire to write. Strange for me, I know, because this is what I love. But after the death of a close patient of mine I was just kind of waiting for whatever it was over me to leave. I felt like I had a dark shadow following me. Every time the sky was cloudy and it was raining I seemed to be feeling low and sad. And I was forgetting EVERYTHING. And when I say everything, I mean I was a mental mess! I was forgetting important dates and meetings. I was even forgetting things I'd said days or sometimes even hours after I had said them. One time I said a word that I thought was right and other people said I didn't say that word at all! Oh my gosh, I thought I was going crazy. One of my coworkers gave me a small book on grief and guess what some of the symptoms are??
Mentally some responses you can expect are:
-Lack of concentration
-Confusion/forgetfulness
-Absentmindedness
-Preoccupation
I know that this wasn't a family member, but I took care of this person on a daily basis for over a year. She shared a birthday with me, and I was one of the few people she recognized and let help her. We had a close relationship, I looked at her as my family. She didn't have much of a family. And when she passed they didn't even know what her funeral arrangements were! It was heartbreaking for me. I needed healing. I needed time. That story I wrote after her death brought a lot of healing in itself.
Grief is a hard thing. Those who suffer the loss of a loved one are left behind wondering so many things:
"Why did this have to happen?" "Why am I still here?" "What's the meaning to life? Or is there even meaning at all?"
If you have lost someone you have probably wondered those same things. In my life I've watched family's lose members, and I've lost some of my own. It makes me face my mortality everyday. It's easy to close that side of life off if you don't see it on a daily basis.
Last night a situation presented itself for my son. And I could have been part of it too. People were taking a walk to the park at 11:30. Yeah. I've already been down that road. Something I would have jumped to do when I was a teenager. But I'm 31 years old and I've suddenly realized that I'm surrounded by people who are hell-bent on not growing up. I've been in that place. I stayed out late at night and pushed away my responsibilities. But lately I don't want to do that anymore. I feel like it's my turn for the good things to start happening, ya know? I've had to grow up real fast being a mother at 16. I didn't get to be young, and I got angry about that, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't want that life for myself. Forever young? I don't want to be. I love growing up and maturing. And my son? I don't want him to be a baby forever either! In fact, I've LOVED watching every stage he's gone through!
I work in hospice, and I've learned there's more than one way to die. But there's also more than one way to live. You can live like there's no tomorrow, or you can live like tomorrow will never come. Lately I've been thanking God that yesterday is gone. It's not that I don't have good memories from my past, but I've got so many good things coming that I can't let my past drag me down. I'm looking to the future, and wanting all the good things it has in store. So my biggest job is to get ready for it. Prepare today for tomorrow is my new motto. I've kind of put my work on myself on the back burner, not completely, but I wasn't really as disciplined as I should have been. I have been allowing things back in that I would have never let in when I was taking my life more seriously. That has to change now. I can't live like this. I don't think my patient would have wanted me to.
So it's a new day folks! Yesterday is gone. And I can focus on the good things coming!
If you are having trouble with the loss of a loved one know that you are not alone. There are TONS of resources out there for people just like you. Seek out a friend, family member, co-worker, clergyman, pastor, priest, etc. Go talk to someone. Don't keep it inside! All humans experience death. No one lives forever. But that doesn't make letting someone go any easier- having someone to talk to about it does.
Mentally some responses you can expect are:
-Lack of concentration
-Confusion/forgetfulness
-Absentmindedness
-Preoccupation
I know that this wasn't a family member, but I took care of this person on a daily basis for over a year. She shared a birthday with me, and I was one of the few people she recognized and let help her. We had a close relationship, I looked at her as my family. She didn't have much of a family. And when she passed they didn't even know what her funeral arrangements were! It was heartbreaking for me. I needed healing. I needed time. That story I wrote after her death brought a lot of healing in itself.
Grief is a hard thing. Those who suffer the loss of a loved one are left behind wondering so many things:
"Why did this have to happen?" "Why am I still here?" "What's the meaning to life? Or is there even meaning at all?"
If you have lost someone you have probably wondered those same things. In my life I've watched family's lose members, and I've lost some of my own. It makes me face my mortality everyday. It's easy to close that side of life off if you don't see it on a daily basis.
Last night a situation presented itself for my son. And I could have been part of it too. People were taking a walk to the park at 11:30. Yeah. I've already been down that road. Something I would have jumped to do when I was a teenager. But I'm 31 years old and I've suddenly realized that I'm surrounded by people who are hell-bent on not growing up. I've been in that place. I stayed out late at night and pushed away my responsibilities. But lately I don't want to do that anymore. I feel like it's my turn for the good things to start happening, ya know? I've had to grow up real fast being a mother at 16. I didn't get to be young, and I got angry about that, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't want that life for myself. Forever young? I don't want to be. I love growing up and maturing. And my son? I don't want him to be a baby forever either! In fact, I've LOVED watching every stage he's gone through!
I work in hospice, and I've learned there's more than one way to die. But there's also more than one way to live. You can live like there's no tomorrow, or you can live like tomorrow will never come. Lately I've been thanking God that yesterday is gone. It's not that I don't have good memories from my past, but I've got so many good things coming that I can't let my past drag me down. I'm looking to the future, and wanting all the good things it has in store. So my biggest job is to get ready for it. Prepare today for tomorrow is my new motto. I've kind of put my work on myself on the back burner, not completely, but I wasn't really as disciplined as I should have been. I have been allowing things back in that I would have never let in when I was taking my life more seriously. That has to change now. I can't live like this. I don't think my patient would have wanted me to.
So it's a new day folks! Yesterday is gone. And I can focus on the good things coming!
If you are having trouble with the loss of a loved one know that you are not alone. There are TONS of resources out there for people just like you. Seek out a friend, family member, co-worker, clergyman, pastor, priest, etc. Go talk to someone. Don't keep it inside! All humans experience death. No one lives forever. But that doesn't make letting someone go any easier- having someone to talk to about it does.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Out of Ethan's shadow.
This has been a great summer. I didn't have to shell out a ton of money to a camp for Ethan and worry the whole time if he's getting along with everyone... and I didn't have to worry about transportation for him, or the added expense of food for a teenager..
Luckily I have sources that are such good blessings. Friends who help out and never make me feel guilty about that help. (Thanks Tiffany!!)
Yesterday I went up to Soulfest. It was AWESOME, btw. As I was walking around someone I knew said something to me that kind of hit me.. "I didn't recognize you without your son!" It was a harmless joke. No I'm not mad at them. But it really makes me wonder.. maybe all this time I've been having a hard time getting back to myself because when you're invisible for so long you get used to it. I don't mean I was ignored or anything.. but Ethan was the main priority in my life. My life solely was spent making sure he got what he needed. I worked hard to finally get us into our own apartment, and we've successfully lived on our own for 4 years! Now I've embarked on a new journey to buy a home, and that's kind of opened up a can of worms.. you might say. Once I made the decision to do this I moved forward taking the necessary steps.. contacted my mortgage company, contacted a realtor, started looking at homes.. found a friend I trusted to talk me out of buying money pits (Thanks again Linda!! YOU ROCK).. these things I thought would be enough. They weren't. The only thing I've gotten out of this experience is experience. No house. Sure, I know more than I did yesterday, and I can absolutely have a better grip on things, but I just kind of realized that this stuff is hard.
I've been a single mom for so long now, I have no idea what it's like to have help. Ethan's father has never been in the picture, and any man that came into my life never stayed. So Ethan's been the star of my life. And now doing all this house stuff I realize, holy crap, Ethan's 13. He will be 14 in January, and then in 5 years he will (hopefully) be a high school graduate! This living to raise Ethan is kind of over. I don't need to live like that anymore. Yes I still need to raise him, but it's no longer about constant hovering.. he's at the point where he's learning to be an independent young man.. so where does that leave me? Alone.
So I'm kind of starting over, if you think about it. And I don't really want to think about it. Because that part of my life that I never got a chance to experience.. living for myself.. is proving to be one scary place. I mess up a lot. Out of Ethan's shadow I'm vulnerable to people getting to know ME when we talk, instead of asking about my baby. And even though I have a lot to say, it takes a lot to say it because I'm not used to being me. I'm used to being Ethan's mom. I'm still Ethan's mom.. don't get me wrong, I can go from JossyB to Ethan's mom in 0.2 seconds. But every day I come home from work during the week and Ethan's not here.. he's at his friends house.. so I make myself some dinner.. and I don't know how to cook for one.. so I make too much then eat too much.
Once I get used to the light out of the shadow I'm sure I'll be fine. But until then don't pay any mind to my squinting.. I've really just been in the shadows for far too long.
Luckily I have sources that are such good blessings. Friends who help out and never make me feel guilty about that help. (Thanks Tiffany!!)
Yesterday I went up to Soulfest. It was AWESOME, btw. As I was walking around someone I knew said something to me that kind of hit me.. "I didn't recognize you without your son!" It was a harmless joke. No I'm not mad at them. But it really makes me wonder.. maybe all this time I've been having a hard time getting back to myself because when you're invisible for so long you get used to it. I don't mean I was ignored or anything.. but Ethan was the main priority in my life. My life solely was spent making sure he got what he needed. I worked hard to finally get us into our own apartment, and we've successfully lived on our own for 4 years! Now I've embarked on a new journey to buy a home, and that's kind of opened up a can of worms.. you might say. Once I made the decision to do this I moved forward taking the necessary steps.. contacted my mortgage company, contacted a realtor, started looking at homes.. found a friend I trusted to talk me out of buying money pits (Thanks again Linda!! YOU ROCK).. these things I thought would be enough. They weren't. The only thing I've gotten out of this experience is experience. No house. Sure, I know more than I did yesterday, and I can absolutely have a better grip on things, but I just kind of realized that this stuff is hard.
I've been a single mom for so long now, I have no idea what it's like to have help. Ethan's father has never been in the picture, and any man that came into my life never stayed. So Ethan's been the star of my life. And now doing all this house stuff I realize, holy crap, Ethan's 13. He will be 14 in January, and then in 5 years he will (hopefully) be a high school graduate! This living to raise Ethan is kind of over. I don't need to live like that anymore. Yes I still need to raise him, but it's no longer about constant hovering.. he's at the point where he's learning to be an independent young man.. so where does that leave me? Alone.
So I'm kind of starting over, if you think about it. And I don't really want to think about it. Because that part of my life that I never got a chance to experience.. living for myself.. is proving to be one scary place. I mess up a lot. Out of Ethan's shadow I'm vulnerable to people getting to know ME when we talk, instead of asking about my baby. And even though I have a lot to say, it takes a lot to say it because I'm not used to being me. I'm used to being Ethan's mom. I'm still Ethan's mom.. don't get me wrong, I can go from JossyB to Ethan's mom in 0.2 seconds. But every day I come home from work during the week and Ethan's not here.. he's at his friends house.. so I make myself some dinner.. and I don't know how to cook for one.. so I make too much then eat too much.
Once I get used to the light out of the shadow I'm sure I'll be fine. But until then don't pay any mind to my squinting.. I've really just been in the shadows for far too long.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Good days to feel good about!
I really loved today. I gotta say. I spent the day with my boy and his friend, we went to Odiorne State Park (the first landing place of the first english settlers!!) walking the trails and seeing all the bunkers. It was pretty relaxing. Then I really wanted bubblegum ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so I took them out to get ice cream..
Then we went to Target to buy a movie to watch.. not much I wanted to see so instead I found all three seasons of Avatar: The Last Airbender!!!! OMG!
I spent the first part of my day doing errands and such, so we didn't get out until about 2:30, but I still spent a good part of the day outside in this perfect weather! After I've been feeling so blue, I think that this day really helped me a whole lot. I recognized just how different I felt afterward.. it was like I was a new person. It feels pretty good to be able to say things are looking up again. Or maybe I'm looking up again ;) I was feeling so down in the dumps, ya know?? All it took was getting my butt out of my apartment and into the fresh air. Nature always does that for me. When I'm having a horrible day, or when things get too much for me you'll likely find me hiking mountains or walking the beach.
In a life where I'm surrounded by people so much its nice to just get away and see things from another perspective. It brings my peace of mind back.
It was a good day. Thank you God!
Then we went to Target to buy a movie to watch.. not much I wanted to see so instead I found all three seasons of Avatar: The Last Airbender!!!! OMG!
I spent the first part of my day doing errands and such, so we didn't get out until about 2:30, but I still spent a good part of the day outside in this perfect weather! After I've been feeling so blue, I think that this day really helped me a whole lot. I recognized just how different I felt afterward.. it was like I was a new person. It feels pretty good to be able to say things are looking up again. Or maybe I'm looking up again ;) I was feeling so down in the dumps, ya know?? All it took was getting my butt out of my apartment and into the fresh air. Nature always does that for me. When I'm having a horrible day, or when things get too much for me you'll likely find me hiking mountains or walking the beach.
In a life where I'm surrounded by people so much its nice to just get away and see things from another perspective. It brings my peace of mind back.
It was a good day. Thank you God!
Friday, July 26, 2013
Keeping it together when I'm losing it.
To say I've been a bit forgetful lately would be a bit of an understatement. The truth? I'm am failing miserably at remembering some of the things that I've been trying to remember.
And what do you do when you can't remember? I don't know, cause I can't remember.
I've started keeping lists. I think that's supposed to be helpful, but then when I go to write these helpful lists I can't remember what I need to put on them. I feel like something is causing my mind to just quit on me. It's awfully inconvenient.
Today I started my day with a giant reminder of just how much I'm losing it. I put all my things on the bench next to the door before I leave for work. I check to make sure I have my bag, my wallet, my bible (I always like to keep that on me), a notebook (I'm always writing thoughts down throughout the day), my water bottle, my phones, and lastly my keys. My keys are pretty easy, I keep them on a hook next to the door. As I walked out the door I had everything (or so I thought) so I grabbed my bag and headed out the door. Just as the door closed I realized I had not grabbed my keys. Mmmhhmmm. Yep, I locked my keys in my apartment. What a crappy start to an already crappy day. I didn't want to get out of bed, I have been having a hard time dealing with the death of one of my favorite patients and I just wanted this week to be over. I tried the back door, no luck. So luckily I had my phone. I called my apartment owners.. the office didn't open until 8:30.. great, it's only 7:45 and I really wanted to start my day at my office. UGH. So I tried walking to a neighbors apartment and nobody answered. OK. So I went and sat in my car. I emailed my office to let them know about my situation. Luckily my caseload wasn't a big one so it wasn't a huge impact. I sat in my car waiting for a phonecall back. I left messages, I TRIED to call the emergency number, but that wasn't working...
I lost all 5 lives on Candy Crush. Then played Temple Run.. I was freezing so I got a blanket and bunkered down. 8:30 finally came so I called the office. No answer. I think I called them every 2 minutes and left a message for anyone who could help. No call-backs. Oh dear LORD. By about 9:00 I was fuming. I was talking with a friend and prayed to God that SOMETHING would work out. I got out of my car and decided to try and find the property manager... by now my neighbor was up and I was able to talk to her to find out where he lived.. I knocked on his door, no answer. My other neighbor had a ladder.. okay, I'd try to break in. I knocked on his door... no answer.
I just love when I'm in need and that happens. NO ANSWER. So I went back to my car and tried the office again.. it was 9:15. FINALLY they answered (it was the woman I'd left a message for and yeah, she never called me back). She was able to contact the property manager and 10 minutes later I was back in my apartment.
As the day went by I was just feeling so frustrated. This is my life lately. I try and try to get an answer, someone to listen to me, help me.. and yet I'm stuck feeling locked out of my apartment with no one to help. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 31. And if you've been following my blog you'd know that it's been a hard one for me. Losing that patient has really taken its toll on my heart and I just didn't feel up to celebrating. People wanted to celebrate it.. but I just can't. At the end of my day I was at a patient's house and was processing all the frustrations of the day.. getting locked out, having personal issues with close family... as I was finishing up I had this thought. I just can't let the bad things make me feel bad. Because they are. And so, when things with the current patient worked out I kept saying VICTORY!! It was funny. The patient's wife laughed at my taking victory over such little things, but I think she gets it. I think anyone who feels like they've been having one disappointment after another just needs to start celebrating even the smallest victories.
As I was leaving it was raining.. I had left my car window open, and instead of feeling frustrated I said, "No, I'm not going to let bad things make me feel bad." Lol.
So I'm forgetful. I can't always remember everything, right? I remember my name, and how to drive, and who I love... I remember lots of things. I'll just have to take small victories in the small things for now, because with the amount of crap I have to remember on a daily basis I'm bound to forget something, and I'm grateful its not something big like the fact that God loves me, and He has a MUCH better memory than I do, so if I ever forget that I know He'll remind me.
And what do you do when you can't remember? I don't know, cause I can't remember.
I've started keeping lists. I think that's supposed to be helpful, but then when I go to write these helpful lists I can't remember what I need to put on them. I feel like something is causing my mind to just quit on me. It's awfully inconvenient.
Today I started my day with a giant reminder of just how much I'm losing it. I put all my things on the bench next to the door before I leave for work. I check to make sure I have my bag, my wallet, my bible (I always like to keep that on me), a notebook (I'm always writing thoughts down throughout the day), my water bottle, my phones, and lastly my keys. My keys are pretty easy, I keep them on a hook next to the door. As I walked out the door I had everything (or so I thought) so I grabbed my bag and headed out the door. Just as the door closed I realized I had not grabbed my keys. Mmmhhmmm. Yep, I locked my keys in my apartment. What a crappy start to an already crappy day. I didn't want to get out of bed, I have been having a hard time dealing with the death of one of my favorite patients and I just wanted this week to be over. I tried the back door, no luck. So luckily I had my phone. I called my apartment owners.. the office didn't open until 8:30.. great, it's only 7:45 and I really wanted to start my day at my office. UGH. So I tried walking to a neighbors apartment and nobody answered. OK. So I went and sat in my car. I emailed my office to let them know about my situation. Luckily my caseload wasn't a big one so it wasn't a huge impact. I sat in my car waiting for a phonecall back. I left messages, I TRIED to call the emergency number, but that wasn't working...
I lost all 5 lives on Candy Crush. Then played Temple Run.. I was freezing so I got a blanket and bunkered down. 8:30 finally came so I called the office. No answer. I think I called them every 2 minutes and left a message for anyone who could help. No call-backs. Oh dear LORD. By about 9:00 I was fuming. I was talking with a friend and prayed to God that SOMETHING would work out. I got out of my car and decided to try and find the property manager... by now my neighbor was up and I was able to talk to her to find out where he lived.. I knocked on his door, no answer. My other neighbor had a ladder.. okay, I'd try to break in. I knocked on his door... no answer.
I just love when I'm in need and that happens. NO ANSWER. So I went back to my car and tried the office again.. it was 9:15. FINALLY they answered (it was the woman I'd left a message for and yeah, she never called me back). She was able to contact the property manager and 10 minutes later I was back in my apartment.
As the day went by I was just feeling so frustrated. This is my life lately. I try and try to get an answer, someone to listen to me, help me.. and yet I'm stuck feeling locked out of my apartment with no one to help. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 31. And if you've been following my blog you'd know that it's been a hard one for me. Losing that patient has really taken its toll on my heart and I just didn't feel up to celebrating. People wanted to celebrate it.. but I just can't. At the end of my day I was at a patient's house and was processing all the frustrations of the day.. getting locked out, having personal issues with close family... as I was finishing up I had this thought. I just can't let the bad things make me feel bad. Because they are. And so, when things with the current patient worked out I kept saying VICTORY!! It was funny. The patient's wife laughed at my taking victory over such little things, but I think she gets it. I think anyone who feels like they've been having one disappointment after another just needs to start celebrating even the smallest victories.
As I was leaving it was raining.. I had left my car window open, and instead of feeling frustrated I said, "No, I'm not going to let bad things make me feel bad." Lol.
So I'm forgetful. I can't always remember everything, right? I remember my name, and how to drive, and who I love... I remember lots of things. I'll just have to take small victories in the small things for now, because with the amount of crap I have to remember on a daily basis I'm bound to forget something, and I'm grateful its not something big like the fact that God loves me, and He has a MUCH better memory than I do, so if I ever forget that I know He'll remind me.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Me and my friend, we're TREES.
Yesterday as I sat at my computer I was thinking about a friend I had recently lost. She was one of many patients I've had, only she was special because we shared the same birthday. This birthday is bittersweet for me... she passed away last week. Tomorrow will be sad, but I'm actually glad for her. She was very sick, and ready to go. I wrote a story for her, this is how I'm grieving her loss and I'd like to share it with you.
You could take a long time watching trees and wouldn't be wasting time. You’re watching them grow. I am a tree watcher. I like to see them sprout from the ground, I like to see their leaves emerge in the spring and to slowly change into the beautiful canvas colors of the fall.
I love trees. They seem to have silent stories that you can only hear if you are patient enough to listen. On one not so special day I heard a story that I never forgot. It was about a tree with deep roots. This tree had stood through many storms, had seen many wars, and shaded many families. But this tree was not just a tree. She was a person that had once been a tree.
Everyone always thought of me as strange. When I would play outside for hours watching the clouds and trees they figured I didn't have much going on inside my mind. But in my mind those clouds and trees were more than just imagery that passed by. As I grew up that way of thinking never left me. I was always full of stories of why a tree was bending side-ways instead of growing straight up, you know, because he was bowing to the Tree King as He passed by, and his back gave out, so he was never able to stand straight again. This was strange to people, but I thought it was perfectly normal, they were the strange ones. I would often wonder, why do they work so hard? Why are they never outside? Could they not see the trees? Did they not know about the stories they told?
The woman that had once been a tree told me her story once. And when she finally died I knew she would once again become a tree. We were all once trees. That’s what she said. When a baby is born he is born of a tree that has given its seed to the ground, but instead of the seed falling to the ground the Tree King places that seed into a person. That seed becomes a baby and lives its life as a human (this explains why we are so enchanted with trees), then when the human grows old and they die their body is put back into the ground so they can finally become the tree they were meant to be.
All seeds come from one tree that the Tree King guards. He planted the First tree and from that tree He made them all.
When she told me this story I knew it must be true because it just seemed so logical.
Her story began in a small forest outside of a small town. Her parents had already been chosen, and she was already planted, they were just waiting on her arrival. She was born into a small farm home, on land that held many Apple trees. I was worried when she told me this, after all, if all trees where from tree seeds then what about those Apple trees?? She told me that the fruit of the trees were given as gifts to the people to remind them of where they come from, and that the fruit helped the people remember just how much they were loved by the Tree King. Every time I eat an apple I always remember this.
She told me after she had grown up life as a human was much harder than she liked. Instead of being allowed to play in the trees she had loved so dearly she was forced to work inside buildings cleaning houses and cooking. It was a hard life for her, but she knew that life would not last forever, so she stayed strong remembering that when she once again was in the ground she would finally become what she was always meant to be. An Apple tree.
She told me bits and pieces of what it was like working in homes that were not her own. She did get married and had a baby of her own, but they both became trees again sooner than she was able. It broke her heart to know that she would have to stay a person for much longer than they.
She remembered the day they were both sown in the ground. She remembers how sad she was that she would not be able to join them. That was the day she first met the Tree King. Not many people can say they've met Him. Mostly because He only visits those that belong to Him. There are those that He plants that choose to not become trees afterward, instead they become rocks in the ground, never getting to feel the air flow through their leaves or branches, and never getting to see the world from so high in the air. What a sad fate. But a fate, nonetheless. My tree friend told me that all people get to choose their fate, and whether they choose rock or tree it’s a choice. But The Tree King does not visit nor tend to the rocks. He only tends the trees. He was there with her that day. He held her hand as she watched her husband and son being sown into the ground.
She told me she even got to speak to Him.
“Why did they get to go so soon and I have to wait?” She had asked.
“Because you are meant for more days, my dear tree friend.” He replied.
It was sad for her, she couldn't truly understand it, but because there was nothing she could do about it she accepted the days ahead of her and continued on. The years following this had been hard ones for her. She struggled knowing her days had to continue. She longed for the days when she would finally be free to be a tree once more and feel the air in her leaves for the first time. She said she had remarried, but the man whom she married did not belong to the Tree King and treated her very badly. She stayed with him for a short time, telling him about the Tree King and the wonders of being a tree, but he refused to believe it. He was destined to be a rock. So she packed her things and left him to his rock fate. All this time that had passed had left her very angry. Why did she have to suffer such painful things? Couldn’t the Tree King step in and make her life better? But she said it wouldn't have mattered, she didn't long for better days as a person. She longed for her life afterward as a tree.
Many years had passed. She told her story of the day she would once again become a tree to anyone who would listen, but not many people did.
She found herself in an old folk’s home at the end of a long hallway at the end of a very long life. That’s when I met her. As we would walk she would tell me her stories and, me being a future tree and all, I listened. I had never realized that I could be a tree until I met her. Her stories were like a shovel filling in the holes that had been dug in my mind. Things were making sense again to me. I told her that she had helped me. Growing up had been hard on me. I couldn't spend as much time with the trees and it made me sad.
She understood this because she too missed watching the trees.
I remember the last day she was alive as a person. She and I had shared the same birthday, and I had been looking forward to seeing another year go by with her, only as she grew weaker I knew I’d have to meet our birthday alone. I sat with her, holding her frail hand, telling her that it was okay. I didn't want to keep her from becoming a tree, because I knew how much she longed for it. I told her to close her eyes and think of the wind rustling in her branches. She fell asleep, and I left.
That night I got the call that she had passed. I was so very happy for her, she would finally join her husband and her son and become what she had been waiting so long to become. An Apple tree.
At her sowing I watched as they lowered her body into the ground to be planted. And that’s when I met The Tree King. He stood by and held my hand. I had questions for Him too.
“Why did she have to wait so long?” I asked.
And He said, “Because I wanted her to tell you about me. Otherwise, we would never have met.”
“Will there be those I need to tell about you?” I asked.
He smiled and replied, “There will always be those that need to be told. So tell them the story, and they will see me when you are planted, and I will tell them the same.”
So here I am, telling the story. For those who choose to believe it there is a Tree King waiting to meet you. And when you are finally planted I will be waiting with my tree friend and her family, and all those who have chosen to be a tree.
Next time you are outside watch a tree. It may just have a story to tell you.
You could take a long time watching trees and wouldn't be wasting time. You’re watching them grow. I am a tree watcher. I like to see them sprout from the ground, I like to see their leaves emerge in the spring and to slowly change into the beautiful canvas colors of the fall.
I love trees. They seem to have silent stories that you can only hear if you are patient enough to listen. On one not so special day I heard a story that I never forgot. It was about a tree with deep roots. This tree had stood through many storms, had seen many wars, and shaded many families. But this tree was not just a tree. She was a person that had once been a tree.
Everyone always thought of me as strange. When I would play outside for hours watching the clouds and trees they figured I didn't have much going on inside my mind. But in my mind those clouds and trees were more than just imagery that passed by. As I grew up that way of thinking never left me. I was always full of stories of why a tree was bending side-ways instead of growing straight up, you know, because he was bowing to the Tree King as He passed by, and his back gave out, so he was never able to stand straight again. This was strange to people, but I thought it was perfectly normal, they were the strange ones. I would often wonder, why do they work so hard? Why are they never outside? Could they not see the trees? Did they not know about the stories they told?
The woman that had once been a tree told me her story once. And when she finally died I knew she would once again become a tree. We were all once trees. That’s what she said. When a baby is born he is born of a tree that has given its seed to the ground, but instead of the seed falling to the ground the Tree King places that seed into a person. That seed becomes a baby and lives its life as a human (this explains why we are so enchanted with trees), then when the human grows old and they die their body is put back into the ground so they can finally become the tree they were meant to be.
All seeds come from one tree that the Tree King guards. He planted the First tree and from that tree He made them all.
When she told me this story I knew it must be true because it just seemed so logical.
Her story began in a small forest outside of a small town. Her parents had already been chosen, and she was already planted, they were just waiting on her arrival. She was born into a small farm home, on land that held many Apple trees. I was worried when she told me this, after all, if all trees where from tree seeds then what about those Apple trees?? She told me that the fruit of the trees were given as gifts to the people to remind them of where they come from, and that the fruit helped the people remember just how much they were loved by the Tree King. Every time I eat an apple I always remember this.
She told me after she had grown up life as a human was much harder than she liked. Instead of being allowed to play in the trees she had loved so dearly she was forced to work inside buildings cleaning houses and cooking. It was a hard life for her, but she knew that life would not last forever, so she stayed strong remembering that when she once again was in the ground she would finally become what she was always meant to be. An Apple tree.
She told me bits and pieces of what it was like working in homes that were not her own. She did get married and had a baby of her own, but they both became trees again sooner than she was able. It broke her heart to know that she would have to stay a person for much longer than they.
She remembered the day they were both sown in the ground. She remembers how sad she was that she would not be able to join them. That was the day she first met the Tree King. Not many people can say they've met Him. Mostly because He only visits those that belong to Him. There are those that He plants that choose to not become trees afterward, instead they become rocks in the ground, never getting to feel the air flow through their leaves or branches, and never getting to see the world from so high in the air. What a sad fate. But a fate, nonetheless. My tree friend told me that all people get to choose their fate, and whether they choose rock or tree it’s a choice. But The Tree King does not visit nor tend to the rocks. He only tends the trees. He was there with her that day. He held her hand as she watched her husband and son being sown into the ground.
She told me she even got to speak to Him.
“Why did they get to go so soon and I have to wait?” She had asked.
“Because you are meant for more days, my dear tree friend.” He replied.
It was sad for her, she couldn't truly understand it, but because there was nothing she could do about it she accepted the days ahead of her and continued on. The years following this had been hard ones for her. She struggled knowing her days had to continue. She longed for the days when she would finally be free to be a tree once more and feel the air in her leaves for the first time. She said she had remarried, but the man whom she married did not belong to the Tree King and treated her very badly. She stayed with him for a short time, telling him about the Tree King and the wonders of being a tree, but he refused to believe it. He was destined to be a rock. So she packed her things and left him to his rock fate. All this time that had passed had left her very angry. Why did she have to suffer such painful things? Couldn’t the Tree King step in and make her life better? But she said it wouldn't have mattered, she didn't long for better days as a person. She longed for her life afterward as a tree.
Many years had passed. She told her story of the day she would once again become a tree to anyone who would listen, but not many people did.
She found herself in an old folk’s home at the end of a long hallway at the end of a very long life. That’s when I met her. As we would walk she would tell me her stories and, me being a future tree and all, I listened. I had never realized that I could be a tree until I met her. Her stories were like a shovel filling in the holes that had been dug in my mind. Things were making sense again to me. I told her that she had helped me. Growing up had been hard on me. I couldn't spend as much time with the trees and it made me sad.
She understood this because she too missed watching the trees.
I remember the last day she was alive as a person. She and I had shared the same birthday, and I had been looking forward to seeing another year go by with her, only as she grew weaker I knew I’d have to meet our birthday alone. I sat with her, holding her frail hand, telling her that it was okay. I didn't want to keep her from becoming a tree, because I knew how much she longed for it. I told her to close her eyes and think of the wind rustling in her branches. She fell asleep, and I left.
That night I got the call that she had passed. I was so very happy for her, she would finally join her husband and her son and become what she had been waiting so long to become. An Apple tree.
At her sowing I watched as they lowered her body into the ground to be planted. And that’s when I met The Tree King. He stood by and held my hand. I had questions for Him too.
“Why did she have to wait so long?” I asked.
And He said, “Because I wanted her to tell you about me. Otherwise, we would never have met.”
“Will there be those I need to tell about you?” I asked.
He smiled and replied, “There will always be those that need to be told. So tell them the story, and they will see me when you are planted, and I will tell them the same.”
So here I am, telling the story. For those who choose to believe it there is a Tree King waiting to meet you. And when you are finally planted I will be waiting with my tree friend and her family, and all those who have chosen to be a tree.
Next time you are outside watch a tree. It may just have a story to tell you.
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