I feel this insane need to share with you how my day has gone.
I woke up at 6:30am. First thought? DEAR GOD I was supposed to be at my yard sale set up by 6!!
I jump out of bed (in the clothes I fell asleep in last night because I was too lazy to change) and throw on a clean shirt.. good enough yo!
Yell at my son to get out of bed. It's now 6:45am. The coffee is on, behind a sink and counter full of dirty dishes.. and a dirty stove next to that... with a cluttered kitchen surrounding it. Oh boy, mark that on my to-do list...
Somehow I manage to wrangle my 13 year old in one piece (and get him to brush his teeth!) and into the loaded car to my destination with my full to the brim coffee mug (didn't spill too much this time!) just after 7:05am.
K. Good. I can set up and start the yard sale at 8am like I planned.
Just as I'm starting to load to bring down to the actual site some guy who looks like he walked off the set of "Pawn Stars" as one of the people who try to sell them stuff comes barrelling down the driveway. He immediately gets to the point.. he's looking for the antique's and the jewelry I'm selling.. no doubt to just sell it himself (or there's one lucky lady with some of Jossyb's finest coming at them!) I show him my bag of earrings and he ruffles through them.. "How much for the whole bag?" Really? I mean.. my first thought was, "But I haven't even gotten the chance to set them up all pretty and stuff..." That's really why I hesitated. Dude was throwing off my groove. I sold him four things from the pile, for less than I had intended. And this guy was the only customer for another hour and a half.
Yep. I got to set up all my treasures. Things I have grown to love over the years that just needed to be given away.. some stopped by after. I had a whopping sale of $13!! (Don't be jealous) I even had a guy drive up on a bicycle all sweaty and crazy-eyed.. asked me if I smoked... he needed a lighter.. I don't, then he bought my "Footprints" poem wall hanging.. way to surprise me bicycle guy! But then made sure to ask my 13 year old if he smoked.. well, hey, I guess he was just hoping for the best.
At about noon I started packing up because I just didn't want to sit there any longer.. even though the site of my son at the road holding the "Yard Sale" sign dancing along to my Johnny Cash and Patsy Cline music while giving passing cars the thumbs up was pretty amusing, it had to end sometime.
Needless to say, a load that took 3 trips to bring there only took ONE trip home thanks to my puzzle doing genius mind and some bungee cords! Yep.
I got home, made some lunch, ate Ice cream while it cooked, then started dragging everything out of my car into my horrific apartment.
That was 2pm. Over the last 7 hours I've made myself a milkshake. Checked out quick and easy ways to clean your apartment online.. spent a few hours watching some episode's of "The daily show" Then spent some time on Buzzfeed.com.. took a shower! (That was a need 4 days in the making, hey, don't judge me! I'm crazy busy, what with all this sitting around I have to do!)
It's now 9:45pm. My apartment looks worse than when I left it and I don't intend on cleaning it. And I'm not sorry. Not even a little bit.
So good night! Hope you had a better day than me!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
Not Like THEM.
I saw the video everyone was blasting.. well part of it, I couldn't watch the whole thing. It was that horrible. You know, the one with Miley Cyrus, the dancing teddy bears, and that creep Robin Thicke? This whole backlash against Miley Cyrus and her performance on MTV was such a shock to everyone, because this stuff is just so brand new....
Really? Were you REALLY shocked? Please tell me you're kidding.
This world is full of a lot of good things. But its also full of a lot of bad things. And it HAS been for like, years now. But lately those bad things seem to be what gets more of your attention. I mean, hey, I'm sure if I shook my butt in front of men while practically naked I wouldn't be alone every night. But lets be honest here.. do you really think that kind of behavior would make my life any better? For those of you applauding Miley for being herself, do you really think deep down that girl is happy? If you think yes, well then you have no idea what real happiness is. Sorry.
In ten years, that girl will be thirty. That's just about how old I am right now. I'm thirty one. I look back and a lot of the problems I have been working through now began from that age. When I was her age I had men looking at me the way they looked at her. In fact, I even had a guy who only dated me until he got what he wanted, and then broke up with me. He was much older than me too. You know what I think about him now? He was pathetic. He took advantage of a 20-year-old for his own personal needs, and if you ask me he wasn't a man at all. I wish I could have told my 20 year old self just what those kind of guys do to your self image.
I bet I would have loved Miley Cyrus back then. I would have thought "twerking" was sexy, and that dressing like that would get the guys to like me, and the girls to want to be like me. But do you know what that creates? It creates immoral, selfish, self-centered, entitled people who only care about what they want to do, regardless of the damage it causes. And in ten years she's going to regret every bit of it, you can quote me on it, too.
As for me and my thirty one year old life? Yes I'm still single. No I do not go out partying and drinking it up at the clubs and bars. I could, but each time I'm tempted I remind myself of the times I went out with my sisters, sitting on the barstool waiting for them to get all drunk, and dance to the blasting music.. then finally realize they are too drunk to stand up, have to walk them back to the car where they throw up the last five drinks that were "so good I've got to try it" and then sit silently in the car as they lay passed out on my shoulder until we get them home.
Why is that fun for people? Why is drinking and partying fun?? I've heard many excuses. There is never a new one. "It's a great way to let loose" "You can leave the day behind" "It helps you forget the crap from the day"..
I have news for you, what the expectation of a night out at the clubs are and the reality of it is two VERY different things. You see the tv show versions and think it must be awesome.. but when you get to the club it's about 10pm and no ones there because they don't get there until around 11:30.. then it gets so packed you can't even move, then you have to wait in line as a billion people order their drinks from a screaming bartender over music so loud you can't even think. The floors are sticky from God knows what, the people are smelly and sweaty from God knows what, and you are forced to watch girls who are much prettier than you get the attention because their boobs are hanging out.. so forget getting a drink. I say just bring your own because you know there are those creeps who will drug a girl because they are too pathetic to get one without drugging them.
Ew. Good LORD, I just gave myself an anxiety attack!
Am I the only one who thinks that is not fun?? Every time I leave those situations I feel so bad about myself. If I let myself get taken by those kinds of people maybe momentarily I'll be happy, mostly because I'd be drunk, but what happens when the alcohol wears off? I still have to deal with my emotions, or whatever it is I'm trying to forget or get over... and last time I checked that is never accomplished with alcohol. That usually makes the situation worse, not better.
Ho hum, and this is what the world wants more of? And this girl Miley gets to be verbally beaten to death by the people who will kick her when she's down instead of helping her back to her feet.
Oh, Miley. I wish you would listen to the wisdom of woman like Maya Angelou who's said things like, "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her." I wish you were taught that your body belongs to God, until you are married, then it is shared (with your husband)... I wish you would be encouraged by the good person you were, and not embarrassed and have this desire to change your image from it. Do you really have to be this way Miley? Do you hear what they say now? Is this really who you want to be?
Robin Thicke should be ashamed of himself. And so should all the "boys" who enjoyed that performance. She is nothing more than a prostitute to you, selling sex. It's disgusting. I guess they like it because it's the cool thing to do. My life of going to church and serving as a missionary isn't cool or sexy... I'm too goody goody for them... yep, so no attention from them for me.
Good. Thank God. The last thing I want is disgusting boys like that hurting me. I grew up out of my past of allowing the wrong guys around me. Yes I sit at home a lot, no I don't have a date every night. But you know what? I'd rather be home alone then out with the wrong guy who's only intention is to break my heart or use me.
Thank you very much.
And my son will be raised to learn what a real man is, not like those that are paid to be the pigs that they are. No way. He's going to hold doors for ladies, he'll be respectful, and if I catch him acting the way the world says he should I will promptly correct him. He's better than that. And I will never condone that... He will learn how to treat women, and NOT LIKE THEM.
Really? Were you REALLY shocked? Please tell me you're kidding.
This world is full of a lot of good things. But its also full of a lot of bad things. And it HAS been for like, years now. But lately those bad things seem to be what gets more of your attention. I mean, hey, I'm sure if I shook my butt in front of men while practically naked I wouldn't be alone every night. But lets be honest here.. do you really think that kind of behavior would make my life any better? For those of you applauding Miley for being herself, do you really think deep down that girl is happy? If you think yes, well then you have no idea what real happiness is. Sorry.
In ten years, that girl will be thirty. That's just about how old I am right now. I'm thirty one. I look back and a lot of the problems I have been working through now began from that age. When I was her age I had men looking at me the way they looked at her. In fact, I even had a guy who only dated me until he got what he wanted, and then broke up with me. He was much older than me too. You know what I think about him now? He was pathetic. He took advantage of a 20-year-old for his own personal needs, and if you ask me he wasn't a man at all. I wish I could have told my 20 year old self just what those kind of guys do to your self image.
I bet I would have loved Miley Cyrus back then. I would have thought "twerking" was sexy, and that dressing like that would get the guys to like me, and the girls to want to be like me. But do you know what that creates? It creates immoral, selfish, self-centered, entitled people who only care about what they want to do, regardless of the damage it causes. And in ten years she's going to regret every bit of it, you can quote me on it, too.
As for me and my thirty one year old life? Yes I'm still single. No I do not go out partying and drinking it up at the clubs and bars. I could, but each time I'm tempted I remind myself of the times I went out with my sisters, sitting on the barstool waiting for them to get all drunk, and dance to the blasting music.. then finally realize they are too drunk to stand up, have to walk them back to the car where they throw up the last five drinks that were "so good I've got to try it" and then sit silently in the car as they lay passed out on my shoulder until we get them home.
Why is that fun for people? Why is drinking and partying fun?? I've heard many excuses. There is never a new one. "It's a great way to let loose" "You can leave the day behind" "It helps you forget the crap from the day"..
I have news for you, what the expectation of a night out at the clubs are and the reality of it is two VERY different things. You see the tv show versions and think it must be awesome.. but when you get to the club it's about 10pm and no ones there because they don't get there until around 11:30.. then it gets so packed you can't even move, then you have to wait in line as a billion people order their drinks from a screaming bartender over music so loud you can't even think. The floors are sticky from God knows what, the people are smelly and sweaty from God knows what, and you are forced to watch girls who are much prettier than you get the attention because their boobs are hanging out.. so forget getting a drink. I say just bring your own because you know there are those creeps who will drug a girl because they are too pathetic to get one without drugging them.
Ew. Good LORD, I just gave myself an anxiety attack!
Am I the only one who thinks that is not fun?? Every time I leave those situations I feel so bad about myself. If I let myself get taken by those kinds of people maybe momentarily I'll be happy, mostly because I'd be drunk, but what happens when the alcohol wears off? I still have to deal with my emotions, or whatever it is I'm trying to forget or get over... and last time I checked that is never accomplished with alcohol. That usually makes the situation worse, not better.
Ho hum, and this is what the world wants more of? And this girl Miley gets to be verbally beaten to death by the people who will kick her when she's down instead of helping her back to her feet.
Oh, Miley. I wish you would listen to the wisdom of woman like Maya Angelou who's said things like, "A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her." I wish you were taught that your body belongs to God, until you are married, then it is shared (with your husband)... I wish you would be encouraged by the good person you were, and not embarrassed and have this desire to change your image from it. Do you really have to be this way Miley? Do you hear what they say now? Is this really who you want to be?
Robin Thicke should be ashamed of himself. And so should all the "boys" who enjoyed that performance. She is nothing more than a prostitute to you, selling sex. It's disgusting. I guess they like it because it's the cool thing to do. My life of going to church and serving as a missionary isn't cool or sexy... I'm too goody goody for them... yep, so no attention from them for me.
Good. Thank God. The last thing I want is disgusting boys like that hurting me. I grew up out of my past of allowing the wrong guys around me. Yes I sit at home a lot, no I don't have a date every night. But you know what? I'd rather be home alone then out with the wrong guy who's only intention is to break my heart or use me.
Thank you very much.
And my son will be raised to learn what a real man is, not like those that are paid to be the pigs that they are. No way. He's going to hold doors for ladies, he'll be respectful, and if I catch him acting the way the world says he should I will promptly correct him. He's better than that. And I will never condone that... He will learn how to treat women, and NOT LIKE THEM.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Long time, no see!
It's been awhile since I've shared my thoughts. Honestly, I had lost all desire to write. Strange for me, I know, because this is what I love. But after the death of a close patient of mine I was just kind of waiting for whatever it was over me to leave. I felt like I had a dark shadow following me. Every time the sky was cloudy and it was raining I seemed to be feeling low and sad. And I was forgetting EVERYTHING. And when I say everything, I mean I was a mental mess! I was forgetting important dates and meetings. I was even forgetting things I'd said days or sometimes even hours after I had said them. One time I said a word that I thought was right and other people said I didn't say that word at all! Oh my gosh, I thought I was going crazy. One of my coworkers gave me a small book on grief and guess what some of the symptoms are??
Mentally some responses you can expect are:
-Lack of concentration
-Confusion/forgetfulness
-Absentmindedness
-Preoccupation
I know that this wasn't a family member, but I took care of this person on a daily basis for over a year. She shared a birthday with me, and I was one of the few people she recognized and let help her. We had a close relationship, I looked at her as my family. She didn't have much of a family. And when she passed they didn't even know what her funeral arrangements were! It was heartbreaking for me. I needed healing. I needed time. That story I wrote after her death brought a lot of healing in itself.
Grief is a hard thing. Those who suffer the loss of a loved one are left behind wondering so many things:
"Why did this have to happen?" "Why am I still here?" "What's the meaning to life? Or is there even meaning at all?"
If you have lost someone you have probably wondered those same things. In my life I've watched family's lose members, and I've lost some of my own. It makes me face my mortality everyday. It's easy to close that side of life off if you don't see it on a daily basis.
Last night a situation presented itself for my son. And I could have been part of it too. People were taking a walk to the park at 11:30. Yeah. I've already been down that road. Something I would have jumped to do when I was a teenager. But I'm 31 years old and I've suddenly realized that I'm surrounded by people who are hell-bent on not growing up. I've been in that place. I stayed out late at night and pushed away my responsibilities. But lately I don't want to do that anymore. I feel like it's my turn for the good things to start happening, ya know? I've had to grow up real fast being a mother at 16. I didn't get to be young, and I got angry about that, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't want that life for myself. Forever young? I don't want to be. I love growing up and maturing. And my son? I don't want him to be a baby forever either! In fact, I've LOVED watching every stage he's gone through!
I work in hospice, and I've learned there's more than one way to die. But there's also more than one way to live. You can live like there's no tomorrow, or you can live like tomorrow will never come. Lately I've been thanking God that yesterday is gone. It's not that I don't have good memories from my past, but I've got so many good things coming that I can't let my past drag me down. I'm looking to the future, and wanting all the good things it has in store. So my biggest job is to get ready for it. Prepare today for tomorrow is my new motto. I've kind of put my work on myself on the back burner, not completely, but I wasn't really as disciplined as I should have been. I have been allowing things back in that I would have never let in when I was taking my life more seriously. That has to change now. I can't live like this. I don't think my patient would have wanted me to.
So it's a new day folks! Yesterday is gone. And I can focus on the good things coming!
If you are having trouble with the loss of a loved one know that you are not alone. There are TONS of resources out there for people just like you. Seek out a friend, family member, co-worker, clergyman, pastor, priest, etc. Go talk to someone. Don't keep it inside! All humans experience death. No one lives forever. But that doesn't make letting someone go any easier- having someone to talk to about it does.
Mentally some responses you can expect are:
-Lack of concentration
-Confusion/forgetfulness
-Absentmindedness
-Preoccupation
I know that this wasn't a family member, but I took care of this person on a daily basis for over a year. She shared a birthday with me, and I was one of the few people she recognized and let help her. We had a close relationship, I looked at her as my family. She didn't have much of a family. And when she passed they didn't even know what her funeral arrangements were! It was heartbreaking for me. I needed healing. I needed time. That story I wrote after her death brought a lot of healing in itself.
Grief is a hard thing. Those who suffer the loss of a loved one are left behind wondering so many things:
"Why did this have to happen?" "Why am I still here?" "What's the meaning to life? Or is there even meaning at all?"
If you have lost someone you have probably wondered those same things. In my life I've watched family's lose members, and I've lost some of my own. It makes me face my mortality everyday. It's easy to close that side of life off if you don't see it on a daily basis.
Last night a situation presented itself for my son. And I could have been part of it too. People were taking a walk to the park at 11:30. Yeah. I've already been down that road. Something I would have jumped to do when I was a teenager. But I'm 31 years old and I've suddenly realized that I'm surrounded by people who are hell-bent on not growing up. I've been in that place. I stayed out late at night and pushed away my responsibilities. But lately I don't want to do that anymore. I feel like it's my turn for the good things to start happening, ya know? I've had to grow up real fast being a mother at 16. I didn't get to be young, and I got angry about that, but I'm not angry anymore. I don't want that life for myself. Forever young? I don't want to be. I love growing up and maturing. And my son? I don't want him to be a baby forever either! In fact, I've LOVED watching every stage he's gone through!
I work in hospice, and I've learned there's more than one way to die. But there's also more than one way to live. You can live like there's no tomorrow, or you can live like tomorrow will never come. Lately I've been thanking God that yesterday is gone. It's not that I don't have good memories from my past, but I've got so many good things coming that I can't let my past drag me down. I'm looking to the future, and wanting all the good things it has in store. So my biggest job is to get ready for it. Prepare today for tomorrow is my new motto. I've kind of put my work on myself on the back burner, not completely, but I wasn't really as disciplined as I should have been. I have been allowing things back in that I would have never let in when I was taking my life more seriously. That has to change now. I can't live like this. I don't think my patient would have wanted me to.
So it's a new day folks! Yesterday is gone. And I can focus on the good things coming!
If you are having trouble with the loss of a loved one know that you are not alone. There are TONS of resources out there for people just like you. Seek out a friend, family member, co-worker, clergyman, pastor, priest, etc. Go talk to someone. Don't keep it inside! All humans experience death. No one lives forever. But that doesn't make letting someone go any easier- having someone to talk to about it does.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Out of Ethan's shadow.
This has been a great summer. I didn't have to shell out a ton of money to a camp for Ethan and worry the whole time if he's getting along with everyone... and I didn't have to worry about transportation for him, or the added expense of food for a teenager..
Luckily I have sources that are such good blessings. Friends who help out and never make me feel guilty about that help. (Thanks Tiffany!!)
Yesterday I went up to Soulfest. It was AWESOME, btw. As I was walking around someone I knew said something to me that kind of hit me.. "I didn't recognize you without your son!" It was a harmless joke. No I'm not mad at them. But it really makes me wonder.. maybe all this time I've been having a hard time getting back to myself because when you're invisible for so long you get used to it. I don't mean I was ignored or anything.. but Ethan was the main priority in my life. My life solely was spent making sure he got what he needed. I worked hard to finally get us into our own apartment, and we've successfully lived on our own for 4 years! Now I've embarked on a new journey to buy a home, and that's kind of opened up a can of worms.. you might say. Once I made the decision to do this I moved forward taking the necessary steps.. contacted my mortgage company, contacted a realtor, started looking at homes.. found a friend I trusted to talk me out of buying money pits (Thanks again Linda!! YOU ROCK).. these things I thought would be enough. They weren't. The only thing I've gotten out of this experience is experience. No house. Sure, I know more than I did yesterday, and I can absolutely have a better grip on things, but I just kind of realized that this stuff is hard.
I've been a single mom for so long now, I have no idea what it's like to have help. Ethan's father has never been in the picture, and any man that came into my life never stayed. So Ethan's been the star of my life. And now doing all this house stuff I realize, holy crap, Ethan's 13. He will be 14 in January, and then in 5 years he will (hopefully) be a high school graduate! This living to raise Ethan is kind of over. I don't need to live like that anymore. Yes I still need to raise him, but it's no longer about constant hovering.. he's at the point where he's learning to be an independent young man.. so where does that leave me? Alone.
So I'm kind of starting over, if you think about it. And I don't really want to think about it. Because that part of my life that I never got a chance to experience.. living for myself.. is proving to be one scary place. I mess up a lot. Out of Ethan's shadow I'm vulnerable to people getting to know ME when we talk, instead of asking about my baby. And even though I have a lot to say, it takes a lot to say it because I'm not used to being me. I'm used to being Ethan's mom. I'm still Ethan's mom.. don't get me wrong, I can go from JossyB to Ethan's mom in 0.2 seconds. But every day I come home from work during the week and Ethan's not here.. he's at his friends house.. so I make myself some dinner.. and I don't know how to cook for one.. so I make too much then eat too much.
Once I get used to the light out of the shadow I'm sure I'll be fine. But until then don't pay any mind to my squinting.. I've really just been in the shadows for far too long.
Luckily I have sources that are such good blessings. Friends who help out and never make me feel guilty about that help. (Thanks Tiffany!!)
Yesterday I went up to Soulfest. It was AWESOME, btw. As I was walking around someone I knew said something to me that kind of hit me.. "I didn't recognize you without your son!" It was a harmless joke. No I'm not mad at them. But it really makes me wonder.. maybe all this time I've been having a hard time getting back to myself because when you're invisible for so long you get used to it. I don't mean I was ignored or anything.. but Ethan was the main priority in my life. My life solely was spent making sure he got what he needed. I worked hard to finally get us into our own apartment, and we've successfully lived on our own for 4 years! Now I've embarked on a new journey to buy a home, and that's kind of opened up a can of worms.. you might say. Once I made the decision to do this I moved forward taking the necessary steps.. contacted my mortgage company, contacted a realtor, started looking at homes.. found a friend I trusted to talk me out of buying money pits (Thanks again Linda!! YOU ROCK).. these things I thought would be enough. They weren't. The only thing I've gotten out of this experience is experience. No house. Sure, I know more than I did yesterday, and I can absolutely have a better grip on things, but I just kind of realized that this stuff is hard.
I've been a single mom for so long now, I have no idea what it's like to have help. Ethan's father has never been in the picture, and any man that came into my life never stayed. So Ethan's been the star of my life. And now doing all this house stuff I realize, holy crap, Ethan's 13. He will be 14 in January, and then in 5 years he will (hopefully) be a high school graduate! This living to raise Ethan is kind of over. I don't need to live like that anymore. Yes I still need to raise him, but it's no longer about constant hovering.. he's at the point where he's learning to be an independent young man.. so where does that leave me? Alone.
So I'm kind of starting over, if you think about it. And I don't really want to think about it. Because that part of my life that I never got a chance to experience.. living for myself.. is proving to be one scary place. I mess up a lot. Out of Ethan's shadow I'm vulnerable to people getting to know ME when we talk, instead of asking about my baby. And even though I have a lot to say, it takes a lot to say it because I'm not used to being me. I'm used to being Ethan's mom. I'm still Ethan's mom.. don't get me wrong, I can go from JossyB to Ethan's mom in 0.2 seconds. But every day I come home from work during the week and Ethan's not here.. he's at his friends house.. so I make myself some dinner.. and I don't know how to cook for one.. so I make too much then eat too much.
Once I get used to the light out of the shadow I'm sure I'll be fine. But until then don't pay any mind to my squinting.. I've really just been in the shadows for far too long.
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